Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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I read the following a few days ago:

If you think Thursdays are bad, just wait two days...

It will be a sadder day.

Well, today is not Thursday, nor is it sadder day, it is Friday and it is funny.

Enjoy, readers . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

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I like my women like I like my kidneys…

One is fine but I’d rather have two.

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Captain Kirk and the Bezos shuttle launch . . .

If William Shatner really wanted to go “where no man had gone before”, He should have just used the employees’ bathroom at the Amazon Distribution Centre.

(For those not aware, it has been reported that Amazon employees are worked so hard that they don't get the chance to take a break for things like using the bathroom.)

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My girlfriend and I went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The waiter said “I’m sorry but we are very busy tonight. Would you mind waiting for a bit?”

I said “No problem.”

He said “Okay, take these drinks to Table 5.”

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned forty in July).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?" "

Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said "Then why do you even give a shit?

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckled and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming to his historical homeland.

The official chuckled and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.

Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

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Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, bought another copy, ran it under the tap and left it beside her bed.

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God was just about done creating the universe but He had two extra things left in His bag of creations, so He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things He had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who You give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into His bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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