Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

-------☹😊☹-------

Remember how at Christmas and New Year's Eve last year we wished each other well and expressed the hope that the worst was behind us, that 2021 would be a good year. How wrong were we. It makes you wonder what 2022 holds in store.

I can't tell you about 2022 but I can tell you about today, and that is that it contains another Funny Friday. I can also tell that you will have a few giggles and laughs, as well as some groans and rolled eyes. Okay, not much of a prediction, that's the same as every Friday in Bytes.

Enjoy, readers.

Caution: some risque content ahead.

-------☹😊☹-------

SOME HUMOUR:

________________

My wife recently discovered I was cheating after she found all those letters I'd been hiding.

She got really mad and said she's never going to play Scrabble with me again.

________________

A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe just an hour at least." He closes his eyes, and lies motionless waiting for sweet dreams to come.

The man is this close to falling asleep, but before he can, he hears the most annoying sound in the world. He wakes up to see where it is coming from, and he sees someone knocking against his window! He rolls the window down to see who it is, and he sees a man jogging in place.

"What do you want?" he asks.

"Do you know what time it is?" the jogger asks.

"No I don't know what time it is," the man says, and the jogger jogs away. He rolls up his window and tries to fall asleep again. He lays his head back thinking about how annoying that was. You'd think that if someone knocked on your window it would be about something important. He closes his eyes again, and waits for more dreaming.

He's just about to do it until... he hears more knocking on his car window! "Gosh darn it!" he thought, what does that guy want this time? He tries to ignore it, trying to signal to the person he is not interested, but the man is very persistent. He relents and rolls down his window and he sees another man jogging in place.

"What do you want?" he asks.

"Do you know what time it is?" the jogger asks.

"No, I don't, now leave me alone!" says the man, and the jogger jogs away. He rolls back up his window. "Is this going to be happening to me all night?" he thought.

Frustrated, he opens up his glove box and pulls out a piece of paper. He grabs the biggest Sharpie he could find and writes down, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" and he grabs some scotch tape, and puts it on the driver side window.

"There!" he thought. "Now everyone can leave me alone!" He's confident that the sign is going to work and he won't have to deal with anymore persistent knocking on his car window.

He lays back and tries to sleep again. This time he is about to do it. And just when he thought the sign was about to work, would you believe it? He hears more knocking on his window! Frustrated, he roles down the window to see another jogger.

"What do you want? Didn't you read the sign?" The man asks.

And the jogger says "Of course I can. I just wanted to let you know, its 9:15 PM."

________________

So I asked my friend, "what does STFU mean?"

"Shut the fuck up," he responded.

He didn't have to be so harsh, he could've just told me to go away.

________________

The King of the magical land Wakanda invited the President of the United States and the Queen of Britain to visit.

When they arrived, the Royal Guide of Wakanda brought them to the Palace.

"I should warn you, the beauty and luxury you will see is unparalleled." he said.

They both snorted haughtily. Surely this third-world country couldn't compete with their own riches.

But when they entered, they were shocked. A giant room ran as far as the eye could see. The floor was carpeted with thick, beautiful rugs. Pillars of marble rose to a roof far, far above them. Chandeliers shimmering with crystal hung from the ceiling. Sitting on plush velvet thrones were thousands of exotic dogs of every breed. Servants rushed to and fro, bearing gold platters laden with delicacies. In one corner, a 40 piece orchestra stood, playing the most amazing music.

The President recovered first. "Alright, this place is pretty big. But the White House must be nearly double the size."

The Queen sniffed. "Oh, if you care about size then fine. But one does prefer the decor at Buckingham Palace."

The Royal Guide of Wakanda turned around impatiently.

"Do hurry. Surely you didn't travel all this way just to see our kennels?"

-------☹😊☹-------

A Jewish woman buys a new apartment

She calls her friend once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites her to come see it.

Of course she agrees so she starts giving the friend directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartments. Use your right elbow to hit 3B and I'll buzz you in. When you get inside walk over to the elevator and use your knee to push the UP button. Then use your left elbow to hit 3. I'm the apartment at the end of the hall. Kick the door two times and I'll come open it for you."

The friend is understandably confused by these detailed instructions. "But can't I just use my hands for the buzzer and elevator and to knock on the door?" the friend asks.

She pauses for a minute, then finally says "Oh, so you're not bringing anything?"

-------☹😊☹-------

Also from the vault . . .

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road, identified by the pin striped suit and brief case, he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the loud, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay, my son", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

-------☹😊☹-------

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

US President Woodrow Wilson (1856 – 1914) was a limerick afficionado, not only of quoting but also of writing them. The following limerick has been credited to him, perhaps because he was fond of reciting it, but it was actually written by Anthony Euwer, artist, lecturer and poet, and published in his "Limeratomy" in 1917. Euwer was at Princeton when Wilson was president there, and perhaps they were friends.

As a beauty I'm not a great star,

Others are handsomer by far;

But my face, I don't mind it,

Because I'm behind it –

It's the folks in the front that I jar.

There is more support that the Pres did write this one . . .

I sat next to the Duchess at tea;

It was just as I feared it would be:

Her rumblings abdominal

Were truly phenomenal,

And everyone thought it was me !

A variation with "thought" instead of feared and "abominable" instead of phenomenal is reported as a misattribution in Paul F. Boller, Jr., and John George, They Never Said It: A Book of Fake Quotes, Misquotes, & Misleading Attributions (1989), p. 132

-------☹😊☹-------

GALLERY: