Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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For those unaware, it has been announced that our current lockdown restrictions will end when 70 per cent of the adult population is fully vaccinated, which is forecast to happen on October 18. It has been dubbed Freedom Day. I hold grave fears (no pun intended) that when that happens, the stats will blow out again.

Last week I spoke to someone by phone and explained that I couldn’t take the call immediately because I was getting vaccinated. She said that was disappointing, she had always considered me to be one of the intelligent ones. I said that intelligent people get vaccinated, she said that we would just have to agree to disagree on that.

So let’s leave the melancholy and enjoy some laughs and levity, it’s time for Funny Friday.

Oh, there’s some needle jokes ahead and a caution that there’s also some risque content.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

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An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible.

A silver dollar.

A bottle of whiskey.

A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.."

"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

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Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer".

Police fear he may be working to a pattern.

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Two men go fishing, one has a stutter.

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the second man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The second man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again. The second man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”

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You'd think anti-vaxxers would love needles...

They're used to surrounding themselves with a bunch of pricks.

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London Zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and very difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings. But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her.

The zoo administrators remember that one of their zoo-keepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.

So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred pounds?

O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions: "First, dere's to be no kissin’. Second, if dere’s any children, dey have to be raised Roman Cat'lic."

The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.

"Well," says O'Reilly, "You've got to give me some time to come up wit' de five hundred quid...."---

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