Bytes: FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some risqué, in fact positively raucous, ones today folks so venture on at your peril, both in being offended and being denied entry through the Pearly Gates . . .

Stay safe and well.

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SOME HUMOUR:

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do not cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

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An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Please, may I come with him tomorrow?'

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got off the ground with a dick that big amazes me.”

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I finally got the courage to go to a premature ejaculators support group...

When I arrived at the conference room, no one was there. I felt tricked, bamboozled and hurt.

Then, out of nowhere a janitor peeks his head in. He tells me the meeting won’t be starting for another hour. Turns out I came too early.

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While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over the limit), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"

I replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

The cop said "What..... a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"

I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge..."

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One Friday night Bob's four teenage daughter were all going out on dates.

Bob told his daughters, "As soon as your dates arrive, I'll talk to them. If I don't like them, I'll shoot them."

The doorbell rang and Bob answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Teddy. I am going steady with Betty. We are getting spaghetti. Is she ready?" Bob nodded in approval. So off went Teddy and Betty to get spaghetti.

The doorbell rang again. Bob answered the door, shotgun still in hand. "Who is this?" Bob said. The boy said, "My name is Joe. I want you to know that I'm taking Flo to the show. Can we go? Yes or No?" Bob nodded his approval. So off went Joe and Flo to the show.

Just then the doorbell rang. Bob answered. The boy at the door said "My name is Nate. I hope I am not late for my date with Kate. We are going to skate which I think is great." Bob nodded in approval. So off went Nate and Kate to skate.

The doorbell rang a fourth time. Bob answered, with shotgun still in hand. "Who is this?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Chuck."

Those were Chuck's last words.

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An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he spots a Preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the Preacher...

The Preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, ' Hicc..yes, I am.'

So the Preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'

The Preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him Into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't Found Jesus.'

By this time the Preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---

But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs so he pulls him up.

The Preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus..!!?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and says to the Preacher, 'now tell me this, are you sure this is where he fell in' ?

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A man wanted to be dismissed from jury duty, but none of his excuses worked. So on the day of the trial, he asked to approach the bench.

"Your Honour," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant."

"Oh?" the judge asked.

"Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face, and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's 100% guilty.' So, your Honour, I couldn't possibly be on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are seeking--a good judge of character."

The man protested, "How can you say that?"

"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

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