FUNNY FRIDAY

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As lockdown continues for us in Sydney, here are some laughs to take your mind off it for a few minutes.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she discovers the aunt in the nude, and gives her a tight slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

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My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.

Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy.

When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.” Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said,

“Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”

The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”

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My wife and I wanted the sex of our baby to be a secret. She and I were sure the baby would be a girl, with four names, and we picked Alyssa Cassidy Shea Smith to be her name but there was always that doubt in the back of our minds.

The delivery day came at last. My wife was going into labor, and cried out a final reminder: "Don't forget, her name is Alyssa Cassidy Shea Smith!"

"I know honey! Just be strong, you got this!"

"Oh! I almost forgot," she said, just before the epidural took over. "We need a boy name, just in case he's a boy."

18 hours later, a boy was born. I'm nothing if not a good listener.

Our bouncing 8 pound, 6 oz child was named according to his mother’s wishes.

Justin Casey Zaboi Smith

I don’t know why she's so mad.

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Jesus went unto the Mount of Olives and the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him “This woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned, but what sayest thou?”

And Jesus said unto them “Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.”

At this, those who had heard turned to leave, but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at the head of the woman, killing her instantly.

Jesus looked at the woman and said, "Mom, what the fuck?"

(An alternative version is “Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.”)

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

By moi:

To the Olympics all athletes aspire,

To be faster, stronger and higher.

But the Tokyo Games

Will be less of acclaims,

We're all equal before a virus most dire.

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

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A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he saved his money and went on a trip.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look.

When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family.

"Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and shouted to me: "Jose, can you see?"

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My wife said to put a baby monitor in the crib with our son...

but I don't think lizards make very good pets for babies.

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Mountains aren't just funny.

They are hill areas.

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Patient: Every day I feel more and more like a cartoon rabbit

Doctor: You have a bad case of updoc.

Patient: What’s ‘updoc’?

Doctor: This is more serious than I thought.

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