FUNNY FRIDAY

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Some more funnies for Friday and another risqué content warning . . . in short, the usual Friday.

Stay safe and stay well, Byters.

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SOME HUMOUR:

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Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish in Dublin and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says:

"THE END IS NEAR.

TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW

BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,

"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis morning’."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say ….

"BRIDGE CLOSED" ?

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In Jerusalem, a journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. “Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 50 years,” said the old man.

“50 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“Well, I pray for peace. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up wise, in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a wall!”

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A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem - he kept winking at the camera.

The interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I'm afraid we won't able to hire you unless you get it under control."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done."

"Alright, show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. First he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colours before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, I'd hire you on the spot, except that we're not in the habit of hiring such womanisers. We've had too many sexual harassment suits."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womaniser!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man sighed. "Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin and winking all the while?"

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The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.

After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy! They baptised all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

By moi . . .

William and Harry his brother

Attended to honour their mother,

It seemed somewhat ironic

On this love date iconic

Guests attending all hated each other.

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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a licence and, when they said they didn't, he sent them off to get one.

They caught the Town Clerk just as he was locking up, and got the licence from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in wrong -- with his where hers belonged and vice versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another licence.

This time, the judge noticed that the Clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they caught the Clerk... and after five reissued licences, the judge was finally satisfied.

Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the licence, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be, putting it delicately, technical bastards."

Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

I got kicked out of schizophrenia group therapy yesterday.

I was just trying to be polite but I guess it was wrong to say "Don't mind me, guys. Pretend I'm not here."

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My grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

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Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.

One looks at the other and says, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

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A Vietnamese man who recently moved to America is down on his luck and missing home. He decides to spend his last $5 on an authentic Vietnamese dinner hoping it will remind him of home.

He finds the nearest Vietnamese restaurant and makes the walk there, hoping to make it in time before they close. When he enters the owner greets him in Vietnamese and he responds in kind. Happy to be speaking his native language again the man makes small talk with the owner. After pleasantries he asks for a menu, but as he starts reading it his face expresses his disappointment. The cheapest option on the menu are the spring rolls for $7.

Noticing the sudden change in attitude the owner asks the man if there is a problem. The man looks up from the menu and sheepishly pulls out his only $5 bill. The man explains his situation and apologizes for the wasted time.

The owner thinks for a moment before offering to make the man a plate with soon-to-be expired ingredients. The owner explains that the restaurant is about to close and the food will go to waste anyway.

The man is ecstatic and offers up his $5. The owner accepts it and begins preparing the food. The man can’t believe how delicious the food is and thanks the owner once more for his generosity. The owner thanks the man for being willing to work with him. They both come away from the experience feeling like they got a good deal.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

(In Vietnamese, the family name “Nguyen” is pronounced “Win”)

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