FUNNY FRIDAY

Another end of week and things continue going to shit around us. Will we ever be rid of this COVID plague?

Observing the health restrictions and regulations is one thing, remaining positive is another.

Here is my contribution to the latter but, as always, there is a warning that risqué content follows.

Stay safe and well, readers.

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SOME HUMOUR . . .

A politician was sitting in his office when the phone rang.

He picked it up, said little, smiled widely, said "Thank you," and hung up the phone.

He picked the phone back up to call his mother. "Mum, it’s me," he said. "I won the election!"

"Honestly?" she said in response to the news.

"Does it really matter how I did it?" he replied.

---oOo---

What Is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a pig?

One is assaulting with intent to kill; the other is killing with intent to salt.

---oOo---

Orville Wright: "Dick cave?"

Wilbur Wright: “Definitely not.”

Orville: “Weiner hole?”

Wilbur: “Dude, no.”

Orville: “Cockpit?”

Wilbur: (sighs) “Okay, fine.”

---oOo---

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

“Just think,” he said, “when I’m President, I’ll have my own personal gold urinal!”

Laura had lunch with Hillary Clinton on her tour of the White House and told her how impressed George had been with his discovery of the President’s private bathroom and gold urinal.

“Bill doesn’t have a gold urinal,” Hillary told Laura, “but that explains who peed in Bill’s saxophone.”

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A race of aliens visits earth one day. They come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors.

When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's the greatest, isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok".

Surprised, the Pope follows up with: "He visits every year?! It's been over two millennia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!"

The alien sees that the Pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalise.

"Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The Pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?"

The alien says "Yeah, when he first visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys do?"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

I have previously acknowledged being indebted to my father in law Noel for bringing to my attention a classic limerick that embodies all the great features of the art: ribald, risqué, politically incorrect and witty –

There was a young sheik of Algiers

Who said to his harem, "My dears.

You may think this odd of me,

But I'm tired of sodomy,

Tonight’s for straight fucking." (Loud cheers!)

So, with nothing better to do, I tried to think of a variation whilst still maintaining the elegance, dignity and literary merit of the original.

Here is my contribution:

There was an old sheik of Algiers

Who said to his harem, "My dears.

You may think this odd of me,

But I’m getting quite doddery

So my son will take over.” (Loud cheers!)

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well . . .

Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynaecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"

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GALLERY:

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CORN CORNER:

My wife - its difficult to say what she does for a living.

She sells seashells on the seashore.

---oOo---

How do you milk sheep?

Release new iPhone

---oOo---

Don’t call me a “trash picker” …

I prefer to be called a discardiologist.

---oOo---

Dads are like boomerangs

I hope

---oOo---

They say if you play the new Justin Bieber song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part

...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Justin Bieber song.

---oOo---

French kids are kind..

But German kids are kinder

---oOo---

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it won’t work.

So Robin goes to find Batman to help him.

Robin explains to Batman that the batmobile isn't working.

"Check the battery" says Batman.

"What’s a tery?" Robin asks, confused.

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