FUNNY FRIDAY

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Today’s Funny Friday is dedicated to Scottish lassie Janice . . .

Janice, lang may yer lum reek!

(For the sassenachs and other non-Scots, myself included, that translates to ‘Long may your chimney smoke’, which is a toast to one’s health, wishing the person a long and healthy life.)

A wee word of warning: there be some risqué content ahead . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

The shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

One says, “Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

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After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his friend he will be wearing the kilt.

“And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"She'll be wearing a white dress.”

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A Dundee woman in hospital giving birth.

"Well done, it's' a boy, what are you going to call him?" the midwife asks.

The woman replies "Nathan."

The midwife says "Aw come on, you have to call him something."

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A Scottish man was asked why it was called a kilt.

He replied “The last guy that called it a skirt got kilt”.

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Jock said to his girlfriend “Put your hand under my kilt, lass.”

She did and withdrew it quickly, saying “Jock, that’s gruesome.”

“Aye, lass,” he replied.

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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!" She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment.

A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

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FROM THE VAULT:

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. After two days, the doctor tells him, “I’ve got bad news for you, you have contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it."

The man perplexed asks, "Well, can’t you give me a shot or something to fix me up, Doc?"

The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We are going to have to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not !! I want a second opinion... !!!"

The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ahh... yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amelican docttah, always want operate, make more money that way. No need amputate!"

"Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.

"Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. "Wait two weeks. Fall off by self."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

In Scotland “Menzies” is pronounced “Ming-iss” . . .

A lively young damsel named Menzies

Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?"

Her aunt, with a gasp,

Replied: "It's a wasp,

And you're holding the end where the stenzies."

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GALLERY:

Don't you love the Herman cartoons? . . . 

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CORN CORNER:

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Husband: "The doctor said I should touch myself whenever I feel like it.”

Wife: "No, he said you could have a stroke at any time."

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If I had a dollar for every time I didn't know what was going on...

I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?

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A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

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When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

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Woman to a Scotsman: “I’ve always wondered, what’s worn under the kilt?”

Scot: “There’s nae worn under the kilt, lassie, it’s all in perfect working order.”

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