Bytes: Funny Friday

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Friday again, folks, so time for some smiles, giggles, chortles, sniggers and maybe even a laugh or two.

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SOME HUMOUR:

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan. He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see

it with his own eyes. He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the

floor. “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”

“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy.

“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a miracle..

Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.”

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”

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In Germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease, other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

(Coeliac disease is a condition where your immune system attacks your own tissues when you eat gluten.)

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Diner: “I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts and I'm vegan. What can I get?”

Waiter: “The fuck outta here.”

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It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day. He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today."

The First Officer says to the Captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my duties. A log entry like this could hurt my chances of career advancement".

The Captain says, "First Officer, the log entry is factually correct. If the facts aren't as you'd like them, they should have been different facts, and the consequences are on your own head."

The First Officer falls silent and carries on with his duties. At the end of his watch he is relieved by the Captain and, before leaving the bridge, makes the following entry: "January 2nd: Captain Frobisher arrived on the bridge sober today."

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FROM THE VAULT:

Friend and trivia team member (from the pre-COVID days that we played triv) Wayne B sent me a text message during the week:

“State Premier Galdys Berejiklian was just interviewed and said civic restrictions are being lifted but not for singing and dancing. Is this like the Jewish Rabbi joke that facing might lead to sex?”

So in Wayne’s honour, I repost the Jewish Rabbi joke, with the explanatory preamble, from Bytes July 10, 2015:

Preamble:

In Judaism, especially in Orthodox tradition, men and women are separated in some ceremonies and contexts, for instance in some Orthodox prayer services, weddings and bar mitzvahs. Currently, the majority of Orthodox Jews do not participate in mixed dancing.

A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty.

Joke:

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" the man inquired.

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah."

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked.

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah."

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man.

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied.

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man.

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" the confused man asked.

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied.

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

Another Presidential limerick, this one from the days of Bill Clinton:

The President’s loud protestation
On his fall to his intern’s temptation:
“This affair is still moral
As long as it’s oral,
Straight screwing I save for the nation."

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GALLERY: