Funny Friday

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Things are grim in the US, all the more reason for a timeout with some humour, the furst Funny Friday of the new year.

Stay safe, readers. 

As usual, a caution that there is risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

This appeared in Bytes some time ago. 

And That's When the Fight Started... 

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station. 

That's when the fight started... 

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." as she processed my Social Security application. 

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." 

And that's when the fight started... 

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" 

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?" 

And that's when the fight started... 

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." 

And that's when the fight started... 

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect." 

And that's when the fight started... 

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. 

And that's when the fight started... 

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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress that she had worn yesterday. 

And that's when the fight started... 

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A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man "Holy crap. That must be my husband!" 

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked he jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. 

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, "I AM your husband!" The woman yelled back, "Yeah, then why were you RUNNING?" 

And that's when the fight started... 

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" 

And that's when the fight started... 

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. 

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" 

And that's when the fight started... 

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." 

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." 

And that's when the fight started... 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

An old farmer was worried about his favourite bull. It was ignoring the cows. So he went to the vet and got some medicine. Next day he was telling a neighbour about it. 'I gave that Brahmin of mine one dose and within half an hour he had serviced eight cows.' 

'Blimey,’ said the neighbour, 'what's the stuff called?' 

'Well, the label’s come off the bottle,' said the farmer, ‘but it tastes like peppermint'. 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

Two limericks for the price of one today. 

A funny young fellow named Perkins 

Was terribly fond of small gherkins. 

One day after tea 

He ate ninety three 

And pickled his internal workings. 

The reason that there is a second limerick is that I published another one not long ago using gherkins as part of the rhyme scheme. It appears below. Unlike the traditional A A B B A rhyme pattern of limericks, this one is A A A A A. That’s some impressive workin’, now if only I could think of how to incorporate twerkin’ and merkin, I could come up with my own contribution. 

There once was a young lad named Perkin 

Who was always jerkin his gherkin. 

His father said “Perkin, 

Stop jerkin your gherkin, 

Your gherkin's for ferkin, not jerkin!” 

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GALLERY: 

A repost but worth it:

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CORN CORNER: 

​I tripped over my wife's bra 

It appeared to be a booby trap 

For my birthday my children gave me an alarm clock that swears at me instead of buzzing. 

It was quite a rude awakening. 

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. 

It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. 

The difference is staggering. 

Two wind turbines stand in a field. 

One says to the other, "So, what kind of music are you into?" 

The other replies, "I'm a huge metal fan." 

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN..... 

They become very angry. 

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