Funny Friday

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We are now in December, doing the countdown to Christmas so today’s FF has a Christmas flavour. 

Stay safe and well, readers. 

Caution: risque content ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

‘Twas the night before Christmas and it was all going to shit. 

Mrs. Clause was PMS'ing and the elves had all quit. 

Rudolph's nose had gone out, not a soul had any glee. 

An angel asked, "Hey Fatso, where shall I put this tree?” 

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Teacher to Student . . . 

T: "Use the word 'centimetre' in a sentence." 

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimetre” 

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please.” 

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!” 

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The teacher asked the class to use the word "harassment" in a sentence. 

After thinking for a long time, Lamar put up his hand and said: "I'm still sad that my girlfriend and I split up. Harassment a lot to me." 

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On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know? 

I need to borrow some chairs 

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At our office Christmas party I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me... 

"Because they make the toys." 

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“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.” 

- Henny Youngman 

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When I was a child Santa gave me coal one year for Christmas, so I poisoned his cookies and milk. 

Somehow he found out and killed my dad! 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

A jockey was riding the favourite at a race meeting, and was well ahead of the field. 

His horse rounded the final corner, when suddenly the jockey was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages. 

He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as he went over the last fence. 

With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding. Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second. 

He immediately went to the race stewards to complain that he had been seriously hampered... 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

A superbly crafted limerick . . . 

This limerick goes in reverse 

Unless I'm remiss 

The neat thing is this: 

If you start from the bottom-most verse 

This limerick's not any worse 

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GALLERY: 

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CORN CORNER: 

I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread the other day . . . 

Then when I looked again it said ‘thick cut’. 

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A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother... 

They could not settle on a name, until it hit them! 

They named him Ravi O. Lee 

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Went to the therapist to conquer my fear of palindromes. 

The jerk put me on Xanax. 

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What generation does Forrest Gump belong to? 

Gen A 

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I told my wife I lost 10 lbs in one hour 

‟No way. That's impossible!” she said. 

‟Trust me,” I said, ‟I have no idea where our baby is.” 

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I have two optometry jokes 

but I am not sure which one is funnier . . . 

One or two? 

One or two? 

One or two? 

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My girlfriend told me to throw out my Meatloaf CDs. 

I told her that I would do anything for love but I won't do that. 

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