Funny Friday

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Enjoy Friday and the weekend, readers . . .

Caution: risque language ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR . . . 

A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak. 

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy. 

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A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." 

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first." 

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." 

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" 

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary." 

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Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide. 

The old guy says to the young guy: "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." 

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too." 

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" 

"Right, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom, and wearing no bra. She has long legs and is wearing mini-shorts. What does YOUR wife look like?" 

"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours." 

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey. The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00 Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper. The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer. 

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00 because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system. 

Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey, to be told that it costs $2000.00.  Needless to say this begs the question: What can it do? To which the owner replies: “To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS.” 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden... 

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet.” 

“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.” 

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine! 

“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!” 

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don’ forget.” 

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.” 

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath. 

“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.” 

“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?” 

“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees... 

ees... 

ees... 

(wait for it) 

... a Ham Bush.” 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

There was a young lady from Tottenham 

Who’d no manners or else she'd forgotten 'em. 

At tea at the vicar's 

She took off her knickers 

Because, she explained, she felt hot in 'em. 

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GALLERY: 

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CORN CORNER: 

If someone calls you fat, just ignore them. 

You are bigger than that! 

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English puns make me numb. 

But Math puns make me number. 

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One time i was at a bar, a lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family.

i said "No, but they stumble around and break shit." 

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A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, 

"Sorry about your weight." 

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I was walking down the street and heard this beautiful music coming from up on a hill. 

So I went up there and found out it was a place for the mentally challenged. The music was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. So I looked in a window and saw all the patients holding pencils and tapping them on apples. I couldn’t believe the music was coming from them. How could they do it? 

So I went in and met a staff worker. I said "I can’t believe that a pencil and an apple can make this music." He told me they were a famous group and I’ve probably heard of them. I asked their name. He said "They are the Moron Tapping Apple Choir."

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