Funny Friday

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Some Black Friday humour for dark times.  

Stay safe readers and be warned, there is some risque humour ahead.

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SOME HUMOUR: 

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000." 

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a cheque. He handed it to Leon ... 

"Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits." 

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Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. 

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school. 

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While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" 

"No," said her husband. 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. 

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. 

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" 

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. 

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties......and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. 

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. 

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?" 

He said, "No!" trying to contain his excitement. 

She said, "Check your truck in the garage." 

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FROM THE VAULT: 

A 10-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating chocolate bars. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." 

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". 

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?" 

"No" says the boy, "By minding his own fucking business." 

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK: 

Rob, an odd fellow, designs 

Poems of equal-length lines 

And he  limericks with flair 

As his forethought and care 

Ensure a word count of 3 9s 

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GALLERY: 

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CORN CORNER: 

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON TWITTER THAT SAYS "CELEBRITY NUDES", DON'T CLICK ON IT. 

IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK. 

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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. 

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. 

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A church's bell ringer passed away. The church posted the job opening in the local newspaper's classified ads and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head, producing a beautiful melody. They gave him the job on the spot. 

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the ground below. 

Two priests were walking past. One asked, "Do you know this chap?" 

The other responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." 

The next day, the dead man's twin brother came in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also had no arms. The clergy led him up to the bell tower, where he ran at the bell, tripped and fell to the ground below. 

The same two priests walked up. 

The first asked, "Do you know him?" 

The second responded, "No, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." 

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Apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick... 

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. 

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

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