Bytes: Funny Friday

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So the election has been and gone but the outcome is not yet known.

While we wait, here are some tension easers . . .

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SOME HUMOUR:

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

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Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Kim paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

“Jesus" said Paddy. "I'll have to call you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Kim, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Kim asked. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Kim sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Holy shite!" said Paddy. "I'll get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Kim, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Kim was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and,10,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Ah, bollocks!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. " G’ mornin' Mr. Kim! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Kim "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a lot of pints, and decided there's no feckin’ way we can feed two million prisoners."

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This must be read (or thought) in a Sean Connery accent . . .

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

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FROM THE VAULT:

Sometimes hearing or reading an alternative version of a joke is like seeing a remake of a classic film. You think about whether it is better than the original, whether it is as good as or just different, whether it raises a laugh. . .

The following item has been posted and reposted by me previously but it is not only topical but very funny, even if you are familiar with it.

The item has a Jewish mother setting. The other version I came across has an Alabama context.

Enjoy them both.

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Version #1:

Harry Goldberg is elected the first Jewish President of the United States.

He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration.

Harry: “Momma, guess what! I've just been elected President, will you come to my inauguration?”

Mother: “Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.”

Harry: “Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please... “

Mother: “Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time.”

Harry: “Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.”

Mother: “Harry! I have nothing to wear!”

Harry: “I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!”

Mother: “Okay, okay, I will come.”

Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State.

Harry is called up to become the next President.

Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy up there with his hand on the Tanakh? His brother is a doctor!"

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Version #2:

The United States has elected the first woman, from Alabama, as President.

As her inauguration draws near, the President-Elect calls her father . . .

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour drive, your mother isn't as young as she used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.'

'Don't worry about it Daddy, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. A limousine will pick you up at your door.'

'I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?'

'Oh, Daddy', replies the President-Elect, 'I'll make sure she has a wonderful gown custom made by the best designer in Washington .'

'Honey,' Dad complains, 'You know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.'

The President-to-be responds, 'Don't worry Daddy. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in Washington , I'll ensure your meals are salt free Daddy, I really want you to come.'

So Dad reluctantly agrees. At her inauguration, the first woman, from Alabama. is being sworn in as President of the United States.

In the front row sit the new President's Dad and Mom.

Dad leans over to the Supreme Court Justice sitting next to him and whispers, 'You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States .'

The Justice whispers back, 'Yes I do.'

Daddy says proudly, 'Her brother played football for the University of Alabama.’

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK:

This election is a bit of a mess

And it’s causing a lot of distress.

So I’ll go full throttle

With the help of a bottle

And drink ‘til I couldn’t care less.

(Not one of mine).

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GALLERY: