The Rime of the Ancient Barrister

Having spent yesterday (and many more days to come) in a court with barristers, here is an anonymous Covid contribution on topic to an English legal magazine  . . . 

With apologies to Samuel Taylor Coleridge

The Rime of the Ancient Barrister

     - Anon

It is an ancient Barrister,
And he Zoometh one of three.
“By thy torn black gown and wretched wig,
Now wherefore Zooms thou me?”

He touches screen with skinny hand,
“There was a Brief,” quoth he.
“The Clerks they cheered, the Fee was cleared
How merrily went we!”

“Yesterday, I shopp’d away:
My Fee fed unquenched yearnings!
And talk of tax: t’were just attacks
’Pon my projected earnings!”

“It was a jolly time,” went he
“My diary full to brim:
I’d look on LEX: a sea of text
And hearings rim to rim!”

“Then tell me, ancient Barrister!
What fiends do plague thee thus?
Why look’st thou blue?”—“In Guildford County Court loo
I caught coronavirus.”

“Down dropt the fees, the clients dropt too,
‘Twas sad as sad could be;
And we did speak only to break
The silence of the BSB.”

“Day after day, day after day,
No mail for inbox bare;
As idle as the LAA
(they’re under-resourced, but really: over a year?)”

“I miss my suit, my ties and shoes,
They were my knightly armour:
Odd tele-hearings won’t fill the gap
As they’re done in pyjamas.”

“Lawyers, lawyers, everywhere,
And all the work did shrink;
Bloggers, bloggers everywhere
And too much time to think.”

“Now tell me ancient Barrister
How did this woe-tale end?
Some beast to bless, flaw to address,
Or all your wrongs to mend?”

Quoth he “If there was barest chance
To mend, I’d move the sea:
But lo! I am still stuck indoors
Writing crap poetry.”