Funny Friday

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This Sunday is the day of the winter solstice in the southern hemisphere, which makes it the shortest day of the year. That correspondingly means that in the northern hemisphere it is the summer solstice and therefore the longest daylight of the year. 

There are some solstice items below., plus more.

Stay safe, people.

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SOME HUMOUR . . . 

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An old man is selling watermelons, his pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10. 

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. 

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. 

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..." 

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If I had a dollar for every woman who's seen me naked... 

...I could pay that fine I got for indecent exposure. 

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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals; 

I M LIVID 

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My friend in Alabama lost his Mum, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident. 

He really loved that woman. 

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I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

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FROM THE VAULT . . . 

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A little boy is excited because the circus has come to town. They had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He was so excited that he got a ticket right away.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured a endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "we seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up! The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

The audience roars with laughter and the boy turned beet red. He tore from the tent in humiliation, mostly because he didn't know what to say! He decided that would never happen to him again. He pulled out his most recent copy of Boy's Life and found an ad for a book for snappy comebacks, so be bought it. It arrived and he proceeded to memorise it in its entirety. He had the local librarian borrow similar books that he also memorised.

As he grew up, he practised his snappy comebacks, but was he ready? No! He went to a college that allowed you construct your own major, so he majored in Snappy Comebacks. He studied Moliere, Shakespeare, Henny Youngman, Phyllis Diller, all the greats. He earned his major. Was he ready? No. He went on to get a PhD in snappy comebacks. Was he ready? No. He started publishing papers presenting a full taxonomy of snappy comebacks, classifying them by type, cultural reference, social import and final impact. Was he ready? Yes.

He returned to his home town and waited for the circus. When it arrived, they had a parade with a band and animals and clowns! Oh, the clowns were fabulous! He got a ticket right away for the same seat.

The show began and there were stunts and people on the high wire and trained animals. Then out came a tiny car and out from it poured an endless stream of clowns who did the funniest things you ever saw. It was absolutely hilarious. Then all of a sudden the clowns stopped and started looking around, all puzzled. They searched high and low and still they kept going. Finally one clown stopped and addressed the audience, "We seem to have lost our horse and we need help finding him. Would the person in row 32 seat H please stand up?" The boy notes that he is in that seat so he stands up!

The clown says, "Ah! We've found the horse's ass, now we need to find the rest of the horse!"

And he says in a loud, steady voice, "FUCK YOU CLOWN!"

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . . 

There was a young lady at sea

Who said “Gosh, how it hurts me to pee.”

“I see,” said the mate,

“That accounts for the state

Of the Captain, the purser, and me.” 

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GALLERY . . . 

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CORN CORNER: 

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Q: What's an ig? 

A: A snow house without a loo! 

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The summer solstice walks into a bar. The bartender says: have a long day? 

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There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting... 

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." 

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." 

So they did. 

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. 

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline. 

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If Dorothy missed Kansas, what did Toto miss? 

They missed the rains down in Africa. 

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Most people think that the testicles and the seminal vesicle are the same thing... 

...but there is a vas deferens between them. 

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When is a hen following the letter W 

That’s it