-----o😊o-----
-----o😊o-----
SOME HUMOUR . . .
What’s the difference between chopped beef, and pea
soup?
Anyone can chop beef, but no one can pea soup!
---------------------
This one’s dated but I only just came across it. The
subject is the last Super Bowl.
For Joe and Ron, avid Kansas City Chiefs fans . . .
I accidentally bought $3,500 Super Bowl tickets on the
same day I’m supposed to get married.
If anyone wants to go take my place for FREE it’s
going to be at Casino Beach in Pensacola Florida. Her name is Savanna she’s
5’2, super nice girl, and an incredible cook!
---------------------
And speaking of Ron, here are some chortlers he sent
me yesterday
Thanks Ron.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.
Last night
she used me to time an egg.
A girl phoned
me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at
all.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss
in the kitchen
the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and
got
arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging,
naked.
I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house
we pray after
the meal.
My wife likes to talk to me during sex;
last night she
called me from a hotel.
It's been a
rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and
a button fell off. I
picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the
bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up.
(I used to joke about my boys that they were so ugly as kids
that we had to tie pork chops around their necks
to get the dog to play with them.)
- Otto)
I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast
fed me.
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the
kid
that came with his wallet.
I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness
AFTER I was
born.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and
I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said:
"Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
-----o😊o-----
FROM THE VAULT . . .
Today a double dose, what one might call high vaultage
. . .
---------------------
Henry
Cohen's parents, were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30. He wanted to please his parents but maintained
that he simply hadn't met any nice girls. Finally, largely out of desperation,
he married a goyish prostitute.
His
new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her regular
street corner. But then one evening she appeared, in lovely and stylish new
clothing and fancy jewellery. Naturally, the friends were curious, and so she
told them how she had married a nice Jewish boy.
"What
about his parents?" they asked. She answered, "They love me. After
Henry told them about us, they had a party every evening for a week. They call
it Shiva."
(Shiva: Shiva (Hebrew: literally "seven")
is the week-long mourning period in Judaism for first-degree relatives. The
ritual is referred to as "sitting shiva." Traditionally, there are
five stages of mourning in Judaism. Shiva is considered the third stage, and
lasts for seven days.)
---------------------
Researchers
for the Australian Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great
Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from
Avian Flu.
A
Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's
relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death
appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However,
during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints
appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it
was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while
only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
They
hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the
disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The
Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat
road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of
impending danger.
They
discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a
single one could shout "Truck." !!
-----o😊o-----
LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
She remarked with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laity,
But the bishop once managed thirteen."
-----o😊o-----
GALLERY . . .
-----o😊o-----
CORN CORNER:
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
---------------------
A dog walks Into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you
have any jobs?” The bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog
replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
---------------------
The future, the present and the past walked into a
bar. Things got a little tense.
---------------------
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the
cloud.
---------------------
She wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we
compromised and got a puppy.
---------------------
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are
independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to
stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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