-----o😊o-----
Son Thomas and daughter in law Jessica have started raising bees. I don’t know how many head they have but last week they had their first
honey harvest . . .
It
had me wondering whether there was any humour associated with
bees, surely there must bee, I thought, and there is, so today’s theme is . . . bees.
However, bee prepared, there are a lot of groaners ahead, as well as some risque content.
However, bee prepared, there are a lot of groaners ahead, as well as some risque content.
-----o😊o-----
SOME
HUMOUR . . .
A
bee keeper walked into a bee store and asked the person at the counter for twelve
bees.
After
walking out of the store, he noticed that he's been given thirteen bees.
He
walked back in and said “There has been a mistake, you’ve given me thirteen
bees.”
The
shopkeeper said "No mistake sir, that one is a freebie."
-----oOo-----
I'm
holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?
Beauty
-----oOo-----
My
wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all
swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily
I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
-----oOo-----
A
lady golfer ran into the clubhouse screaming “I’ve just been stung by a bee!”
...
“Where?”
someone asked.
“Between
the first and the second holes” she screamed.
The
instructor replied “I think your stance may have been a little wide.”
-----oOo-----
I’m
thinking of buying a beehive, five chickens and a rooster.
That
way...
...I
can get my honey for nothing and my chicks for free.
-----oOo-----
A
couple of non-bee ones . . .
-----oOo-----
Before
Corona Virus I used to cough to cover a fart, now I fart to cover a cough.
-----oOo-----
To
those who are complaining about the quarantine period and curfews, just
remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit
on the couch and watch Netflix. You can do this.
-----oOo-----
I'm
worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased
himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota
I
think he might have a car owner virus.
-----o😊o-----
FROM
THE VAULT . . .
When
Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was very attracted to him. During her
questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex.
"What
that?" he asked.
She
explained to him what sex was and he said, "Tarzan use hole in tree!"
Horrified,
she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it
properly."
She
took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and pointed to her privates.
"Here,"
she said, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan
removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in
the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually
she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan
check for bees first!"
-----o😊o-----
LIMERICK
OF THE WEEK . . .
Some
introductory notes about bees . .
The
lifespan of a honey bee depends on the type of bee it is. Drone bees (male bees
hatched from unfertilized eggs) live for around eight weeks. There are hundreds in the hive but drones
serve no purpose except to mate with the queen.
A bit like Prince Phillip.
Sterile worker bees are female, 20,000 to 80,000 per hive, and live for
up to six weeks during summer and five months or more during winter. However,
the queen bee, the only fertile bee in the colony, can live for several years.
About a week after a new queen emerges from her cell, she goes on several
flights in order to mate with as many as 20 drones. After the queen bee returns
to lay her eggs, she will rarely leave the colony. Thereafter, the queen bee
lays between 1,000 and 2,000 eggs a day inside the hive (she has enough sperm
stored in her sperm pouch to enable her to fertilize her eggs for the rest of
her life) (ewww!). If the queen bee fertilizes the egg, that egg will become
female – a worker bee or a queen bee. However, if the queen bee does not
fertilize the egg, it will become a male drone bee.
A
bee’s life only looks fun,
Buzzing
about in the sun,
Making
honey all day,
No
fun, sex or play,
In six short weeks their life’s done.
-----o😊o-----
GALLERY
. . .
-----o😊o-----
CORN
CORNER . . .
Before
becoming pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.
You
could tell by the way they used their wok.
-----oOo-----
Why
do bees spend all of winter in the hive?
'Swarm.
-----oOo-----
If
you're ever bothered by a swarm of bees, then stand still and stare at them.
Because
seeing is believing.
-----oOo-----
I
was woken last night to what I thought was the onions in my fridge singing a
Bee Gees song...
But
when I went to look it was just the chives talking.
-----oOo-----
My
friend said I was bad at spelling. I disagreed, so he challenged me to a
spelling bee.
I
excepted.
-----oOo-----
I
used to be a beekeeper, but my wife demanded that I either leave her or the
bees because she had so many stings.
At
first I didn't think she was serious.
Then
I saw her face.
Now
I'm a bee-leaver.
-----oOo-----
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
-----oOo-----
Thanks for explaining the word "throng" to me in this time of social distancing. It means a lot.
-----oOo-----
Thanks for explaining the word "throng" to me in this time of social distancing. It means a lot.
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