Bytes: Funny Friday

Yesterday I posted the following item as one of my contributions to the topic of 2 sentence horror stories:

“This is a great steak,” she said as she took another bite.

I didn’t tell her that she was eating the pet that she had given me months earlier.

That is a true story and concerns someone I know. The animal involved was a pet, a bull.

That sets the theme for today’s FF: bulls. Most of these jokes and humour items have been posted previously, some more than once, but I started chuckling on rereading so hopefully you may as well. A number of them are personal favourites.

Enjoy, I’m off to have a steak, don’t tell PETA.

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A DEA Agent arrives at a farm and tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your property for illegally grown crops."

The old farmer says "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA Agent says "Mister, I have the full authority of the Federal Government," reaching into his pocket and pulling out a badge, "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish -- on any land I want. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand me???"

The farmer nods politely and lets the agent go about his business while the farmer returns to his chores.

Eventually, the farm hears loud screams and sees the DEA Agent in "that field" running for his life. Close behind, the farmer's biggest and meanest bull is gaining ground on him with each step.

The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.... "Your badge! Show him your badge!!!"

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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the Justice of the Peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

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Old man BillyBob goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull.

A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?"

BillyBob says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them."

The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."

A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?"

BillyBob says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows."

The banker says, "Wow! What did the vet give him?"

BillyBob says, "He gave him some pills."

The banker says, "What kind of pills?"

BillyBob says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."

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A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles, or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great co, had a wonderful disposition and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The rabbi answered sadly "My wife is from Minsk."

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And some non-bovine . . .

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a smirk and asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...

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A lawyer went duck hunting for the first time in the country. He killed a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best barristers in England and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in the country. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city chap. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, I give up. You can have the duck."

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LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . .

By moi:

Sussex Royal had not thought ahead,

Her Maj determinedly said

“If you’re being disloyal

Then lose the word ‘Royal’.

Or use ‘Suss Ex-Royal’ instead.”

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GALLERY . . .

Forget Coronavirus, the Democratic primaries and debates, the most news coverage has been about Megxit and Weinstein:

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CORN CORNER . . .

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Things that people who come to Australia are afraid of: Spiders, Scorpions, Snakes, Sharks, Crocs, Jellyfish, Octopus, Stone Fish, Feral Pigs, Giant bulls, Emus, and Kangaroos.

Things that Australians are afraid of: Magpies.