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SOME HUMOUR . . .
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What is an
opinion without 3.142?
An onion.
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When I was ten
my Mum told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his
surprise birthday party.
That's when I
realised that he was her favourite twin, not me.
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What lies on
the ground 100 feet in the air?
A dead
centipede
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Stormy Daniels
and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met
with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said:
"Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must
decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked
Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy
took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect
breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them
every day, for eternity.”
The angel
thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen
walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The angel
immediately said: "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was
outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's
own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and
she got admitted to Heaven! Would you
explain that to me?”
"Sorry,
Stormy," said the angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a
pair, no matter how big they are."
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FROM THE VAULT .
. .
A teacher
addresses her primary school class:
“Class, the lesson now is spelling.
I would like each of you to stand up, tell me what you had for breakfast
and then spell it. Billy?”
Billy stands
and says “ I had bacon and eggs Miss, B-A-C-O-N, E-G-G-S.” “Good,” says the
teacher, “Sally?”
Sally stands
and says “I had toast, Miss, T-O-A-S-T.”
“Also good,” says the teacher, “Johnny?”
Johnny gets to
his feet and says “I didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast, F-U-….” Before he can finish the teacher cuts him
short and soundly tells him off, then sends the children out to recess.
Over the break
she thinks to herself that she may have been a little hard on Johnny, that
maybe she should make it up to him when class resumes. She decides that she
will ask him the first question when they return from recess.
After they are
all seated she says “Class, this lesson is geography. Johnny, can you tell me where the Queensland
border is?”
Says Johnny
“Well, when I left home this morning he was in bed with me Mum, that’s why I
didn’t have any fuckin’ breakfast.”
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LIMERICK OF THE
WEEK . . .
By moi:
I like a good
limerick,
One that is
witty, playful and slick.
Keep your
Shakespeare and Donne,
For me it’s the
one
That’s clever,
rhymes, scans and is quick
GALLERY . . .
A repost but worth reposting . . .
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CORN CORNER:
--------oOo-------
(Okay, I’ll
tell you. The third error is that there
are only two errors.)
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Q: Why did Beethoven get rid of his
chickens?
A: Because all they kept saying was “Bach, Bach,
Bach!”
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I refused to believe
my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got
home, all the signs were there
-------oOo-------
My wife is
threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting
like a news anchor.
More on this
after the break.
-------oOo-------
My local news
network recently featured two artisans from my town.
One makes
burlap sacks, and the other makes musical instruments.
They thought
the viewers would be drawn in by all the sacks and violins.
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