Funny Friday

------😊😊😊---- 

Welcome to another Funny Friday, dear constant readers, on this last day of January 2020. Tempus certainly does fugit 

A cheerio to Noel, my father in law who lives in Canberra. What with Canberra experiencing firstly blanketing smoke, then monster hail and now battling fires again, remember what I told you, Noel: if Lake Burley Griffin turns to blood and there’s a plague of locusts, get your first born out of there quick smart. 

A callout as well to new Byters Ron and Barb in the US, inlaws on my daughter’s side, Hi guys, hope you enjoy the Funny Fridays. 

------😊😊😊---- 

SOME HUMOUR . . . 

-------oOo------- 

You don't need a parachute to skydive. 

You need a parachute to skydive twice. 

-------oOo------- 

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. 

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." 

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." 

At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." 

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : 

"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." 

"Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin." 

-------oOo------- 

Q: If there's H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? 

A: K9P. 

-------oOo------- 

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. 

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" 

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles." 

-------oOo------- 

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. 

"You're coming home now!" she screamed. 

"No, I'm not," I laughed. 

She said, "I'm talking to the kids." 

------😊😊😊---- 

FROM THE VAULT . . . 

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. 

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she made an appointment to see Dr Chang, a well-known Chinese sex therapist.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said, "Prease to take off crose." The woman took off all her clothes as requested and was then told. "Prease face window, back to me, bend over."  The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang looked at her from various angles, then said, "See probrem, prease put crose back on."

"What is the problem, Doctor?" she asked.

Dr. Chang said, "You haff Zachary Disease." 

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Doctor, what is Zachary Disease?" 

Dr Chang replied, "Face rook Zachary rike arse." 

------😊😊😊---- 

LIMERICK OF THE WEEK . . . 

Actually, this week it’s Limericks of the Week.

Some limericks about limericks . . .

The limerick packs laughs anatomical 

Into space that is quite economical. 

But the good ones I've seen 

So seldom are clean 

And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 

The limerick is furtive and mean;

You must keep it in close quarantine, 

Or it sneaks to the slums 

And promptly becomes 

Disorderly, drunk and obscene. 

It needn't have ribaldry's taint 

Or strive to make everyone faint. 

There's a type that's demure 

And perfectly pure 

Though it helps quite a lot if it ain't. 

------😊😊😊---- 

GALLERY . . . 

------😊😊😊---- 

CORN CORNER: 

--------oOo------- 

A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.” 

The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.” 

-------oOo------- 

Without doubt, my favourite Robin Williams movie is Mrs Fire. 

-------oOo------- 

Knock Knock 

Who's there? 

Muffikin 

Muffikin who? 

Muffikin fingers are trapped in the door.