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Welcome to
Friday, readers, here are some smiles, chuckles and giggles to get you in the
mood for the weekend.
Caution: some
risque items ahead.
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SOME HUMOUR . .
.
Harry and
Meghan say they plan to step back as senior members of the British Royal
family, and "carve out a progressive new role within this
institution" while working "to become financially independent."
First time
someone quit their family, saying it’s to spend more time with their jobs.
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I went to the
doctor recently.
He said: “Don’t
eat anything fatty”
I said: “What,
like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No, Fatty,
don’t eat anything.”
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I saw a man
with one arm shopping at a secondhand store.
I told him
"You're not going to find what you're looking for."
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An ethnic man
walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car.
A salesman asks
if he needs any help or got any questions.
Man: “Cargo
space?”
Salesman: “Car
no do that. Car no fly.”
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A German
tourist jumped in the freezing lake to save my precious little dog that was
drowning.
After that he
climbed out, handed me the dog and said, "Here is ze dog, keep him warm
and dry him off, he vill be fine."
I said,
"Are you a vet?"
He replied,
"Vet?... I am fucking soaked."
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A guy was
meeting a friend in a bar and, as he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls
looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, Nine."
Feeling pleased
with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the
girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten.
"Sorry to
spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in, they
were speaking German."
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FROM THE VAULT .
. .
A sweet and
innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives
downstairs.
The girl has
never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off
his shirt, she goes running downstairs.
“Momma, Momma,”
she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I
do?”
The mother is
making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Lots of men
have hair on their chest. He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go
upstairs.”
When the girl
gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back
down to her mother: “Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I
do?”
The mother
stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Lots of men have hair on their legs. He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go
upstairs.”
The girl goes
back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and
sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the
stairs:
“Momma, Momma!
He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”
The mother
hands her daughter the spoon and says “Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go
upstairs. This is a job for Momma.””
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LIMERICK OF THE
WEEK . . .
By moi . . .
Harry thought being royal sucked,
So palace tradition he bucked.
Though he quit as a gent,
We all know he meant
“You can now all go and get fucked!”
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GALLERY . . .
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CORN CORNER:
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The other day,
I saw my friend with a big puffy red nose.
I asked him
what happened and he said, "I smelled a brose in my garden."
I said, "There's
no b in rose!"
He said, "There
was in that one!!”
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A guy asks a
lawyer about his fees.
“I charge $50
for three questions,” the lawyer says.
“That’s awfully
steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks.
“Yes, I suppose
so,” the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?”
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If a tomato is
a fruit, does that make tomato sauce a smoothie?
(American
readers, substitute “ketchup”).
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