Funny Friday

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Having been laid low by the flu for the last few days, crappy enough to keep me home from work, what better theme for this week’s Funny Friday than health. 

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A scientist walks into ta pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, ”Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?” 

“Do you mean aspirin?” says the pharmacist. 

“That’s it, I can never remember that word.” 

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A man is at the funeral of an old friend. 

He tentatively approaches the deceased's wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, "Plethora."

The widow smiles appreciatively. "Thank you," she says. "That means a lot."

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a word too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Bargain." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a great deal."

Another man comes up and asks for the same privilege. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Earth." The widow replies, "Thank you, that means the world."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a couple words. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Being alive." The widow replies, "Thank you, he would have liked that."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Infinity" . The widow replies, "Thank you, that means more than you could possibly imagine."

Another man comes up and asks if he could say a word. The widow thanks him, saying that would be very nice. The man clears his throat and says: "Fhqwhgads". The widow replies: "Thanks, you don't know what that means."

Another man comes up and says: “Mind if I say a few words too?” She says: “Please do.” The man clears his throat and says: “The Mariana Trench.” The widow replies: “Thanks, that’s really deep.”

Another man comes up and says: "Mind if I say a few words too?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "water pit". The widow replies: "Thanks, I know you mean well."

Another man approaches the widow and says: “I’m truly sorry for your loss, he was a great man.” The widow replies: “I’m not sure you understand what’s happening here.” 

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From the vault: 

Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and piece of paper, and Fred used his last ounce of strength to scribble a note. Then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." 

He unfolded the note and read aloud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!" 

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Limerick of the Week: 

There was a young girl from St. Cyr 

Whose actions were exceedingly queer. 

Her companion said "Mabel, 

Get up off the table,

That money's to pay for the beer."

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Gallery:

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Corn Corner: 

What do you do with a sick chemist? 

If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium. 

You hear ants can't get sick? 

They have tiny anty bodies. 

I felt pretty sick after drinking milk with cream. 

My stomach was churning for a while, but now I’m finally feeling butter. 

A Scottish guy phones in sick to work. 

Boss ask's "What is wrong, Jimmy?"

Jimmy replies "I have a wee cough."

Boss says "You have a wee cough?"

Jimmy says "Thank you Boss, I was only going to take one day" and hangs up.