Funny Friday

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Its another Funny Friday with some items that will hopefully set you on the track for a Fun Weekend. 

Some risque items ahead. 

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The 2020 election results are in! 

Oh sorry, this is just for us Russians. 

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The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a $50 note. 

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?" 

I decided I didn't, so I gave him the money. 

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They Walk Among Us... 

People like these make you wonder how they actually survive in this world of ours! 

A K-Mart checkout clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a 50 bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became indignant, informed me that she was educated, knew what she was doing and returned the money again. I gave her the money back - -same scenario and departed the store with the $46.64. 

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'Buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. 

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'? 

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. 

I couldn't find my airport luggage, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?' 

While working at a pizza parlour I heard a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' 

At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French fries. The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers or French fries. I replied that the other customers were being served hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzically and replied 'Those are BURGERS AND FRIES!' 

They Walk Among Us, they Reproduce, and Worst of all ...THEY VOTED. 

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle she was very attracted to him. During her questions about his life she asked him what he did about sex. 

"What that?" he asked. 

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Tarzan use hole in tree!" 

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong! I'll show you how to do it properly." 

She took off her clothes, dropped to the ground and pointed to her privates. 

"Here," she said, "You must put it in here." 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. 

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" 

"Tarzan check for bees first!" 

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Limerick of the Week: 

There was an old lady of Brewster 

Who would mutter, whenever I gewster, 

“You’re losing the knack, 

Or you’re missing the crack, 

‘Cause it don’t feel as good as it yewster.” 

(This limerick is part of the Isaac Asimov collection, an avid limerick writer). 

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From the vault: 

A man takes his young son to the London Zoo. The young lad is especially keen to see the monkeys but when they arrive at the monkey enclosure, there is not a single monkey to be seen. 

He says to the nearby keeper in a broad Northern accent, “ ‘Ere, where’s all the moonkeys then?” 

The keeper replies “It’s the matin’ season. They’re all in the ‘uts ‘avin’ sex.” 

The man says “Do you think they’d coom out if I threw a peanut?” 

Replies the keeper “Would you?” 

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Gallery: 

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Corn Corner: 

The dog is now completely bald but I still feel sicker than ever. 

I won’t be trying that hangover cure again. 

Mozart’s parents were idiots. 

Everybody knows it’s a pack of wolves, not a bloody Wolfgang! 

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. 

The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. 

“You’ve given me one too many.” 

“That one is a freebie.”