Funny Friday

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Welcome to another Friday and some funnies, dear readers. Enjoy the weekend.

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A Macleans salesman was on the country run and found himself at a little store in the middle of nowhere. It was dusty, dirty, dilapidated and he didn’t fancy his chances of making a big sale. 

Nonetheless he went into his pitch, describing the wonders of Macleans, how the past worked miracles on your choppers. The store owner watched the performance impassively. Then he said “Look under my counter.” 

The salesman looked and saw shelves packed with Lady Scott tissue. 

“Now have a look in my cupboard.” 

The salesman looked and there was a mountain of Sorbent toilet tissue. 

“Now come and look out the back.” He took the salesman to a backyard shed\, opened the door and revealed mountains of Kleenex toilet tissue. 

“What’s that got to do with me selling toothpaste?” the salesman asked. 

“Simple. I’ve been running this store for 20 years. And if I can’t get the locals to wipe their bums, I’ve no hope of getting’ them to clean their bloody teeth.” 

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An old swaggie was trapped on the wrong side of a flooded river and, after a few weeks, ran out of food. He tried to stuff a jumbuck in his tuckerbag but the ground was so slippery he couldn’t catch one. So he had to kill his dog, a faithful pooch that had been his only companion for almost ten years. After he had eaten all the meat, he sat gazing sadly into his campfire and noticed how the flames were lighting bits of the dog’s skeleton. He said “My old dog would have liked them bones.” 

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From the vault: 

Angela Merkel sends Donald Trump a coded message to let him know she is still around: "370H SSV 0773H." Trump is baffled. The FBI can’t help, nor can the CIA, so they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down." 

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Limerick of the Week: 

There once was a lady of Maine 

Who declared she’d a man on the brain. 

But you knew from the view, 

Of her waist as it grew, 

It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 

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Gallery: 

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Corn Corner: 

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Roses are black, violets are black. Everything is black..... 

A poem by Stevie Wonder, aged 4 

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I’ve had issues with mixing my metaphors in the past, but I think I can finally see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. 

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Natalie Imbruglia is pregnant at 44 thanks to IVF. A bit old and inexperienced for a first pregnancy. Let's hope she gets seen by the midwife in plenty of time or it could be a case of: 

You're a little late, I'm already torn.