Funny Friday

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Another Friday, another day for me to try to raise a smile from you, dear constant reader, perhaps even a laugh. I will however settle for a smile and perhaps an occasional guffaw. 

Se enjoy. 

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I started chatting up a girl last night in the pub. Used the old, “Get your coat love, you’ve pulled.” And “Your place or mine?” lines. 

She said, “Listen creep, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth.” 

I said, “Listen love, if I was the last man on Earth, you’d have no say in the matter.” 

Think that told her ... On a separate note, anyone know how to get red wine out of a white suit? 

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Prince Harry has named his son Archie HARRISON Mountbatten Windsor.

A reporter asked, 'Where did you get the great idea to name him 'Harrison, (Harry's Son)?' 

'I don't know, it just came to me', said the Prince, whose real name is Henry Charles Albert David. 

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"It's a boy," I shouted, as tears began to roll down my cheeks. 

"I can't believe it, it really is a boy." 

That's when I swore never to return to Thailand. 

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From the vault: 

A burglar breaks into an apartment. He's sure that nobody is home, but just in case he keeps all of the lights off. As he is moving around with a torch, a voice says "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar freezes on the spot, shines his torch around but doesn’t see anyone. 

A few minutes pass and the voice comes again, "I can see you and so can Jesus.” The burglar again pauses and shines his torch around. This time he spots a parrot in the corner. "I can see you and so can Jesus.” 

"What would you know," says the burglar, "You're just a fucking parrot!" 

"Yeah, I may be a fucking parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a fucking Doberman." 

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Limerick of the Week: 

A painter who came from Great Britain 

Hailed a lady who sat with her knitain. 

He remarked with a sigh, 

“That park bench – well, I 

Just painted it, right where you’re sittain.“ 

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Gallery: 

We have a, possibly, red headed boy called Archie in the news today...where have I seen one before?

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Corn Corner: 

Confucius say: 

Man who stand in front of car get tired. 

Man who run behind car get exhausted. 

A Buddhist is about to be mugged when the Buddhist pulls a gun out of his robes. The mugger says "Whoa what about inner peace?" The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece". 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.