Bytes: Funny Friday

Friday, March 22, 2019

Funny Friday

-----------oOo-----------

Fortunately my replacement laptop arrived, and was made operational, in time for Funny Friday. So have some laughs on the leadup to the weekend . . . and if you live in New South Wales, don't forget to vote this Saturday.

-----------oOo-----------

ME: What’s the Wifi password?

BARTENDER: You need to buy a drink first.

ME: I'll have a coke.

BARTENDER: Is Pepsi ok?

ME: Sure...how much is that?

BARTENDER: $8.

ME: There you go, now what's the Wifi password?

BARMAN: You need to buy a drink first.no spaces and all lowercase.

-----------oOo-----------

My mate’s wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open. Last time something that big hit the earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

-----------oOo-----------

A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his neighbour. So when the neighbour comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open in classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!" Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his master, and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so much. And that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible. And I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."

The neighbour looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought I said 'Kvetch!'"

(Kvetch: Yiddish, to whine or complain, often needlessly and incessantly.)

-----------oOo-----------

Limerick of the week:

There was a young fellow named Boise

Who at times was exceedingly noisy;

So his friends’ joy increased

When he moved way back east

To what people in Brooklyn call Joisy.

-----------oOo-----------

From the vault:

God decided he needed a vacation.

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter.

"No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the worst of all," God answered angrily. "I was there 2,000 years ago and they're still accusing me of getting some Jewish girl pregnant."

-----------oOo-----------

Gallery:

For the benefit of overseas readers, 17 year old Will Connolly broke an egg on the head of independent Fraser Anning after Anning said Muslim immigration contributed to the 50 deaths in the Christchurch massacres. Connolly has been dubbed Egg Boy and is a local hero.