Bytes: 8/1/18

Friday, August 31, 2018

Byter TS sent me a funny that started off about a biker going to Hell. It’s a variation on a classic oldie but a goodie. I thought that this could set the theme for today’s Funny Friday but I couldn’t initially decide whether that theme was to be Hell, the Devil, death. . .but I finally decided on bikers. So enjoy some biker humour, readers, as well as some non-biker laughs.

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One day a biker dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…

Satan: “Why so glum?”

Biker: “What do you think? I’m in Hell!”

Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Biker: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Satan: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Bombay Sapphire, tequila, Guinness, red wine, single malt scotch, rum. We drink ’til we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.”

Biker: “Wow! I hadn't thought of that. That sounds great!”

Satan: “You a smoker?”

Biker: “You better believe it.”

Satan: “All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. No consequences, you’re already dead, remember?”

Biker: “Wow…that’s awesome!”

Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.”

Biker: “Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.”

Satan: “Good,’ cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.”

Biker: “Cool!”

Satan: “What about drugs? Are you interested?”

Biker: “Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?”

Satan: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day.. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.”

Biker: “Wow! I never realised Hell was such a cool place!”

Satan: “Are you gay?”

Biker: “No……”

Satan: “Ooooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough……”

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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

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One fine summer's evening, Paddy, Mick and Liam are riding back home from the bar, all three of them on Paddy's motorcycle.

Of course, they get stopped by a cop who says to them, "This motorcycle is only licensed to carry two people, and there are three of you. One of you will have to get off and walk."

"Three of us?" says Paddy as he turns to Mick. "Jeez, what happened to Rory and Niall?"

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated on him and when he came round he was relieved when they told him all had gone to plan and he was going to be fine.

But the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. He was worried that something may be wrong but he was still too weak from the surgery to do anything. Eventually, he managed to pull his hospital gown down enough to check what was causing the discomfort. When he looked down at his chest he saw three wide strips of ultra-adhesive tape stuck firmly to him. Written on it in large black letters was the message:

"Get well soon... from the nurse you gave the ticket to last week. I'll be round to remove the tape later."

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I went to the best ever burger van today.

It was so good, it had 4 Michelin tyres.

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Gallery:

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Corn Corner:

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What do a Harley Davidson and a porcupine have in common?

They've both got pricks on the back.

-----oOo-----

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I yelled at my wife. "You've reversed the car over my motorbike!"

"It's your own fault," she said. "You're the one that left it in the shed."

-----oOo-----

This guy goes to see his doctor and tells him, "Every time I fart, it sounds like a Honda motorbike." The doctor tells the guy to pull down his pants and bend over. As he does so, the guy farts and sure enough, it sounds just like a Honda motorbike. The doctor immediately says to the guy, "I know the problem - you've got an abscess up your arse." The guy says, "What?! Surely an abscess can't make my farts sound like that?"

The doctor says, "Didn't you know? Abscess makes the fart go Honda!"

-----oOo-----

An English spot of humour:

I often have trouble spelling my own address. "Surrey" seems to be the hardest word.

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If Christians are so against gay people, why is it after every prayer they say "Ahhh men"?

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

Quote for the Day

The Cat and Rat Ranch

Long before the Nigerian scams there was the cat and rat ranch prospectus.

In 1875 Willis B. Powell, editor of a newspaper in Lacon, Illinois, supplied to Associated Press details about a ranch based on rats and cats. The item consisted of a prospectus inviting investment in the ranch. The prospectus was given credibility by the facty that it had been published by Associated P{ress. It wasn’t until 1940 that it was revealed to be a hoax

The prospectus:

Glorious Opportunity To Get Rich!!!

We are starting a cat ranch in Lacon with 100,000 cats. Each cat will average 12 kittens a year. The cat skins will sell for 30 cents each. One hundred men can skin 5,000 cats a day. We figure a daily net profit of over $10,000. Now what shall we feed the cats? We will start a rat farm next door with 1,000,000 rats. The rats breed 12 times faster than the cats. So we will have four rats to feed each day to each cat.

Now what shall we feed the rats?

We will feed the rats the carcasses of the cats after they have been skinned.

Now Get This!

We feed the rats to the cats and the cats to the rats and get the cat skins for nothing!