Funny Friday

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There is a wedding taking place this weekend . . . 

. . . so Funny Friday has a smattering of wedding and marriage jokes, plus a few punny Sherlock Holmes ones. 

Enjoy the post and spare a thought for poor Meghan as she heads towards what should be one of life’s happy moments. Unfortunately she has become a player in what the Press is calling the Markle Debacle. 

“You can choose your friends but you sho' can't choose your family, an' they're still kin to you no matter whether you acknowledge 'em or not, and it makes you look right silly when you don't.” 

― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 

Caution: risque content included.

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“But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?” 

“Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary” 

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I got ran over by a hire van earlier. Fucking Hertz. 

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. 

But she figured out I was only after my money. 

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It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it. 

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in. 

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I just kicked the living shit out of the Carpet Court salesman. 

He said to my missus as bold a brass "Would you like a twist carpet, deep pile or a shag?" 

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One day, Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were doing their usual investigative business, when they uncovered an unusual painting. 

At first glance, it looked like a picture of normal oak tree, in the middle of a wilderness, but if one looked closer, one could see that it was a remarkable painting. The tree trunk was actually made of fire, and its branches were made of ice, clouds and earth. 

"What is it, Holmes?" asked Watson in awe. 

"It's an Element tree, my dear Watson," replied Holmes. 

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A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary. 

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village. 

The old man smiled and began: "One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" 

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. 

The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" 

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?" 

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began: 

“One day I got lost in the mountains.....” 

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Gallery:

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Corn Corner: 

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were called to a park in London to investigate a crime involving an unusual tree. The ABC Tree, as it was called, had the unique ability to actually grow all the letters of the alphabet. Shockingly, however, it seemed that someone had plucked most of the letters from the tree. 

Watson approached the tree and examined it closely. "My goodness, Holmes!" he exclaimed. "It appears that some ne'er-do-well has stolen all but the twelfth, thirteenth, and fourteenth letters of the alphabet. What do you make of that, Holmes?" 

Holmes sucked at his pipe contemplatively for a moment before answering, "Why, it's an LMN Tree, my dear Watson." 

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Dr. Watson arrives at 221-B Baker Street and is stunned to find his friend, Sherlock Holmes, out front, in an overall, applying a bright, yellow gloss to the front door. 

"Holmes, what is it?" asks the curious Watson. 

"A lemon entry, my dear Watson," replies Holmes.