Limericks

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Whenever I am watching some English show with Kate – Antiques Roadshow, QI, Country House Rescue, Escape to the Country, Restoration Home, Midsomer Murders – and the place name Aberystwith is mentioned, there is something compulsive in me that makes me recite the Aberystwith limerick, no matter how many times she has heard it before. It happened again a few days ago.

Before I post it, I will point out strongly that some of the following limericks are risqué, so venture on at your own risk. 

Still, one limerick itself makes the point:

The limerick packs laughs astronomical

Into space that is quite economical

But the good ones I've seen

Very rarely are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical

So here is the Aberystwith limerick, plus more, a couple of which have been posted previously in Bytes. To read those past posts, go to the Bytes blogsite at:

www.bytesdaily.blogspot.com.au

and search against the word limerick. There is a search function on the right of the blog.

Take time to work out some of the wordplay ones below.

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There was a young girl of Aberystwyth

Who took grain to the mill to make grist with.

The miller's son, Jack,

Laid her flat on her back,

And united the organs they pissed with.

There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought all babies came from God,
But ’twas not The Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod!

Alternative version:

There was a young girl of Cape Cod

Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God.

But it wasn't Jehovah

That turned the girl over,

'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger,

          the bugger, the bastard, the sod!

There was a man from Mich.

Who used to wish and wich.

That spring would come

So he could bum

Around and go out to fich.

There once was a pollie named Joyce

Who exercised his freedom of choice

By swapping the missus

For a young staffer’s kisses

But that really wasn’t so noice.

(Okay, I admit I wrote that one).

A repeat:

There once was a Jew from Peru

Who was vainly attempting to screw.

His wife said, "Oy-vey!

If you keep up this way,

The Messiah will come before you!"

I finally found the perfect girl.

I could not ask for more.

She's deaf and dumb
And oversexed

And owns a liquor store.

—attributed to Dean Martin, who often joked about his excessive drinking

Another repeat but a favourite:

Ethnologists up with the Sioux

Wired home for two punts, one canoe.

The answer next day

Said, "Girls on the way,

But what the hell's a `panoe`?"

At breakfast one day in Calcutta

Was a man with a bit of a stutta

He said, "Pass the h-ham

And the j-j-j-jam

And the b-b-b-b-b-b-butta."

There once was a young man from Poole

Who discovered a red ring about his tool

He went to the clinic

Where the doctor, a cynic,

Said, "It's only lipstick, you fool."

First let me explain that I'm cursed.

I'm a poet whose time gets reversed.

Reversed gets time

Whose poet a I'm.

Cursed I'm that explain me let first.

Also a repeat:

The bustard's an exquisite fowl

With plenty of reason to howl.

He escapes what would be

Illegitimacy

By grace of a fortunate vowel.

This one's for John P, trvia player and Yiddish expert:

There once was a man named Mort

Whose manhood was terribly short

To call it his schlong

Would have been very wrong

Which is why he called it his schlort.