Funny Friday

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As Valentines Day approaches, it is appropriate that the theme for today’s Funny Friday is love and relationships.

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My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

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My wife says I’m unsophisticated and uncultured, so to prove her wrong, guess where I’m taking her. Hint: It starts with “B” and rhymes with “wallet.”

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked... with beer.

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Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 

His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'., "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

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John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. 

By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. 

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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Gallery:

Trump Valentines daty cards are popular this year:

In fairness, here is a Hilary Clinton one:

(To save you racking your brain, the answer is, it's crooked).

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Corn Corner:

Wife: "How would you describe me?" 

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 

Wife: "What does that mean?" 

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. 

That stings extra hard—I’m like the one thing she can get rid of.

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Why should you never break up with a goalie? 

Because he is a keeper.

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You are like . . .

. . . my asthma. You just take my breath away.

. . . dandruff because I just cannot get you out of my head no matter how hard I try.

. . . my dentures. I cannot smile without you.

. . . my car because you drive me crazy.