Funny Friday

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A mixed bag of humour today with an emphasis on Jesus, hopefully not in a way that offends anyone.

Enjoy . . . 

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Father: “Son, you were adopted.” 

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” 

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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Four lady friends meet up for a reunion.

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar.

The other 3 said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

”Oh no!!" said the lady, “He is doing good. ”

“Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends…” .

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On the first Easter, Jesus threw open the door of the tomb and walked out into the garden. A little Jewish man was walking by and said, “Hey! Close the door of the tomb! Were you born in a barn?”

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long . . . easy boy.”

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice: “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says: “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before Saint Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so Saint Peter must decide which of them gets in.

Saint Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity’.

Saint Peter thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

Saint Peter says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in’.

Dolly is outraged and asks, ’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?’

‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says Saint Peter, ‘but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”

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A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?”

The rabbi strokes his beard and says, “Funny you should come to me. I too, brought up my son as a boy of faith, sent him to university and it cost me a fortune and then one day he comes to me and tells me he wants to be a Christian.”

“What did you do?” asked the man of the rabbi.

“I turned to God for the answer,” replied the rabbi.

“What did He say?” asked the man.

He said, “Funny you should come to me...”

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Gallery:

Corn Corner:

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here.'' 

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.