Bytes: Funny Friday

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The end of another week, readers, and time for some humour.

Graham E sent me an email about cars (as did Leo M), which is the first item below. It appears below.

I confess that I am a person who cares not about cars and wouldn’t know what was wrong with a car if it didn’t go. I once rang the NRMA and aid “My car won’t go.” The woman at the other end of the line said “What’s wrong with it?” I replied “I don’t know, that’s why I’m in the NRMA.” I am also reminded of a magistrate who, a couple of years ago, said in the middle of technical evidence in a case about a motor: “Go slowly please while I write this down. I don’t know much about these things. I know I have to put petrol into my car and I found out recently that you also have to put water in.”

Enjoy, Byters.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX): Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Microsoft or Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

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"I rent a lot of cars, but I don't always know everything about them. So a lot of times, I drive for like ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. It's really not an emergency brake; it's an emergency "make the car smell funny" lever."

- Mitch Hedberg

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Why company cars are different . . .

1. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.

2. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private cars.

5. Oil, battery, tyre pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so often.

6. They have a much tighter turning radius.

7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.

8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.

9. They do not have to be garaged at night.

10. They can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning light on.

11. They need cleaning less often, especially inside.

12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.

13. They are adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the car is still in forward motion.

14. The tyre side walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by the adjustment of the radio volume control.

16. No security is need. They may be left anywhere, unlocked, with the keys in the ignition.

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I must, of course, include his classic oldie:

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "No, no, that's just ice cream."

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And another oldie . . .

A chap was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in the van and honked his car horn by mistake.

She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ARSEHOLE!' afterwards!"

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