Funny Friday

Another Friday, another suitcase  another set of funnies . . .

A random selection this week. Enjoy.

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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

After about a minute, the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

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A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

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I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'.” 

He said "Those are pickled onions.”

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A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather one morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school.

As the day progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl was worried that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of the thunder, lightning would cut through the sky like a flaming sword. Being concerned, the mother got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. Soon she saw her daughter walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look and smile. One followed another, each with the little girl stopping, looking at the streak of light and smiling.

Finally, the mother called her over to the car and asked, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "God keeps taking pictures of me."

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Hearing a scream from the playroom, the mother rushed in and found her infant daughter pulling the hair of her four-year-old bother.

After separating them, the mother said to her son:

“Don’t be upset with your sister, honey. She didn’t know she was hurting you.”

No sooner had the mother returned to her chores than she heard more screaming.

This time she rushed in and found the baby crying.

“Now what happened?” she asked.

“Nothing,” said the boy, “except that now she knows.”

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I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.:

I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

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Gallery:

I like this next one, so simple and yet capable of so many uses in so many situations . . . 

Corn Corner:

How is Christmas like your job? 

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice. Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.  Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."