Funny Friday

__________________________________

A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." 

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." 

So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." 

The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW." 

__________________________________

A young Irish boy said to his grandfather. "Make a frog noise for me Grandad."

"No, son, I don't feel like making a frog noise right now."

"Oh, please Granddad, make a frog noise."

"No, I don't want to."

"Oh, please Granddad, make a frog noise."

"Why is it so important to you that I make a frog noise?"

"Mum says when you croak we can have this house.”

__________________________________

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?" 

"Yes," the golfer responded. 

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" 

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked. 

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?" 

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... 

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb." 

__________________________________

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

__________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

__________________________________

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.

As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.'

'Shut up,' barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork.

'Who are you to question that woman's punishment?'

_________________________________

Gallery:

Corn Corner:

Why did the redneck put fireman's hats on the 3 wise men in his nativity scene?

Because the preacher said they came from afar.

I tried to catch some fog but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray became a seasoned veteran.