Farts, Tatts and Colonoscopies

One side effect of doing this blog is that people ask ypu whether something or other is true.  One such query arrived from Leo M:

Otto, this can’t be true…. 

Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital 

A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.

Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.

“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”

Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.

“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”

Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.

“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”

But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;

“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”

Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers.“ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”

Love it.  Couldn't give the ususal 5 second warning.  Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney blood Poitier.  Could have had a complete wardrobe up there and he wouldn't have known . . .

😊😊😊

Comments:

• Leo, you are partly correct about it not being true.

• The story comes from The Rotterham Bugle and can be read at:

http://www.rotherhambugle.com/2016/11/07/tattoo-terror-lands-rotherham-pair-in-hospital/

• The “About us” section of The Rotherham Bugle website contains the following:

We decided to launch The Rotherham Bugle after identifying a fundamental problem with other news based media covering the South Yorkshire area – they are restricted by a requirement that they stick to reporting on things that actually happened. And here’s the problem with that – what actually happened tends to be boring. 

And so from the very start, we made an editorial decision to give facts a back seat. Yes, you may find a grain of truth hidden away somewhere, but it’s more by accident than design. If you do find something that’s true, don’t judge us too harshly. Anyone can make mistakes. 

Our primary focus is on stuff that we’d have liked to happen, had a story taken a more interesting turn.

• Which is not to say that it couldn’t happen.

• There are numerous videos on YouTube of people lighting their farts – see, for example, a compilation at:

       ttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdAt7eoZMjw

• From Wikipedia:

Fart lighting, also known as pyroflatulence or flatus ignition, is the practice of igniting the gases produced by human flatulence, often producing a flame of a blue hue, hence the act being known colloquially as a "blue angel", "blue dart", or in Australia, a "blue flame". The fact that flatus is flammable, and the actual combustion of it through this practice, gives rise to much humorous derivation. Other colors of flame such as orange and yellow are possible with the color dependent on the mixture of gases formed in the colon. In order to "fire fart", one must have a fart prepared in the anal cavity, and a lighter at the ready. Then they fart onto the lighter.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fart_lighting

• On 31 October 2016, according to the New York Daily News, it was reported by the Tokyo Medical University Hospital that a patient passing gas during surgery was burned after the laser ignited her fart, resulting in a fiery explosion. While doctors operated on the woman's cervix, she apparently farted — the laser igniting the emission. As a result, her lower body in particular was badly affected. It is reported that the fire also spread to the surgical drape.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/patient-burned-mid-surgery-explosion-laser-ignites-fart-article-1.2852543?utm_content=bufferb0126&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=NYDailyNewsTw

• Remember the Ig Nobel awards, those prizes given to funny science articles and studies. The website for the awards says this:

The Ig Nobel Prizes honor achievements that make people LAUGH, and then THINK. The prizes are intended to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative — and spur people's interest in science, medicine, and technology.

• The 2012 Ig Noble prize for medicine went to researchers who advised doctors on how to stop colonoscopy patients from exploding when undergoing electrocautery, the use of heat to remove potentially cancerous intestinal growths known as polyps. The official citation for the work is:

Emmanuel Ben-Soussan and Michel Antonietti [FRANCE] for advising doctors who perform colonoscopies how to minimize the chance that their patients will explode.
REFERENCE: "Colonic Gas Explosion During Therapeutic Colonoscopy with Electrocautery," Spiros D Ladas, George Karamanolis, Emmanuel Ben-Soussan, World Journal of Gastroenterology, vol. 13, no. 40, October 2007, pp. 5295–8.
REFERENCE: "Argon Plasma Coagulation in the Treatment of Hemorrhagic Radiation Proctitis is Efficient But Requires a Perfect Colonic Cleansing to Be Safe," E. Ben-Soussan, M. Antonietti, G. Savoye, S. Herve, P. Ducrotté, and E. Lerebours, European Journal of Gastroenterology & Hepatology, vol. 16, no. 12, December 2004, pp 1315-8.

http://io9.gizmodo.com/5945354/how-to-keep-colonoscopy-patients-from-exploding-and-other-winners-from-the-2012-ig-nobel-awards

• Fortunately, colonoscopies rarely cause the patient to go boom. This is because the flammable hydrogen and methane in the large intestine have pretty much been reduced by the prior prep to a level below the minimal explosive concentration. Still, the researchers found 20 cases of explosion between 1952 and 2006, including one fatality.

• It gives new meaning to the mascot of the Ig Nobel awards, dubbed The Stinker:

So there you go, Leo, hope this answers your query.