Funny Friday

It's another Friday, another hallway and time to be funny.  Sometimes it's hard to come up with humour and occasionally funnies are repeated but hopefully you guys get at least a giggle out of them.

Today is a collection of miscellaneous items but be warned, some are risque.
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An old drunk was staggering along the road and passed a woman who was walking a young child. 

"Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!"

As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears. Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. 

"What's the matter, madam?" he asked.

"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.

"There, there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue, and here's a banana for the monkey."

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Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other “You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.”

The other man says "No way, you're jokin’ aren't you?”

The first man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and comes back in through the 90th floor window.

The second man says "That was just a one off." So he does it again and comes through on the 90th floor, runs back up and says "See, I’m telling the truth."

The second man says "Wow, I’m gonna do it then." He stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man "You know, you're a real bastard when you're drunk, Superman."

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A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"

He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. 

She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"

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A girl went into a doctor’s office with a strawberry up her bum.

The doctor said “I've got some cream for that.”

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Little Johnny was sitting in the park one day eating chocolate bars.

An old man comes along and sits next to him.

Little Johnny proceeds to eat more bars.

After the fourth bar the man says to him “Don't you think you’re eating too many chocolate bars?”

Little Johnny says to him “My grandfather lived to be 110 years old.”

The old man, looking surprised, said “Really, from eating a lot of chocolate bars like that?”

“No,” says Johnny, “from minding his own fucking business.”

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Gallery:

Evolution

Corn Corner:

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.

"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.

"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

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A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar and start drinking. As the night goes on, they get drunk, and the giraffe finally passes out. The man decides to go home.

As he's leaving, the man is approached by the barkeeper who says, "Hey, you're not gonna leave that lyin' here, are ya?"

"Hmph," says the man. "That's not a lion -- it's a giraffe."

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