Bytes: Funny Friday

Caution: risqué content ahead

__________________________________

Good morning readers.

I am the latest sufferer of the flu that is going around at the moment, so value this Funny Friday post, it is being prepared at a time when I would much rather be asleep. But that’s enough of my woes, below are some humorous tidbits for you to enjoy.

__________________________________

A digression

· The word “tidbit” first appeared in print in 1640 so its usage may go back quite a bit earlier. It is believed that the word originated from the dialect word “tid”, meaning “fond, solicitous, tender”, and “bit”, meaning “morsel”.

· Another view is that it comes from “tit” or “tite”, meaning a small object or creature as used in such combination words as ‘titmouse,’ and the bird “tit-warbler”.

· The 1640 written reference is to a definition of the word: “A TYD BIT, i.e. a speciall morsell reserved to eat at last.”

· The word “titbit” first appeared in print in 1694 and had nothing to do with breasts (in that context the word “titt” dates from Old English, where it was an alternative for “breast, teat and nipple”, however the modern usage as slang for breast(s) dates from 1928).

· The word “tidbit” as a news item or piece of gossip, first appeared in print in 1735. Funnily enough, “titbit” with the same meaning was first in print in 1708.

The above reminds me of the following limerick:

To his bride said the keen-eyed detective,

"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?

Has your east tit the least bit

The best of your west tit,

Or is it a fault of perspective?"

__________________________________

Today, some religious humour . . .

__________________________________

The nuns at the local convent had their daily announcement session.

Mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak.....

Mother Superior: "A sinful deed was committed here, yesterday."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "Today I found a pair of men`s underwear."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And I also found a condom."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And it has been used."

99 nuns: "Oh, no!"

1 nun: "Hee, Hee, Hee!"

Mother Superior: "And there is a hole in it!"

1 nun: "Oh no!"

99 nuns: "Hee, Hee, Hee!!!"

__________________________________

The Pope died. Like all good Christians he went to Heaven and knocked on the door. Peter opened. The Pope said: "I'm the Pope."

Peter picked up the phone and rang Jesus.

"I have someone here who says he's the Pope, do you know him?"

Jesus answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to Hell."

Peter told the Pope. "That can't be true, ring God himself," the Pope said.

So Peter rang God and said: "There's someone here who says he's the Pope, do you know him?" God answered: "No, never heard of him, send him to Hell."

Again Peter told the Pope. "The last chance I have is the Holy Spirit," the Pope said.

Peter rang him and said: "I have someone here who says he's the Pope, you know him?"

"Yes," he said, "I know him. He's the one who told everyone I got Maria pregnant. Send him to Hell".

__________________________________

This is a variation on the classic “fucker fish/dam fish” joke but a goodie nonetheless:

The Archbishop of Canterbury is out having a meal with the Deacon of the Church of England. The waiter arrives, and asks for their orders.

"I'll have a bloody steak”, says the Deacon.

On hearing this, the Archbishop nearly fell off his seat.

"This is a high class establishment,” he says, "You can't go using language like that!"

The Deacon smiles, and says "Oh no, Archbishop. A bloody steak is the house specialty. It means extra rare."

"Ahh!" says the Archbishop, and orders the same.

Next week the Pope visits and the Archbishop takes him out to the same restrant. The waiter arrives and the Archbishop thinks he'll impress the Pope.

"I'll have the bloody steak,” he says to the waiter.

"Me too", says the Pope, "And plenty of fucking chips!"

__________________________________

The Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room and not get any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They open the door and the man says "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

__________________________________

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. When the old man's turn comes, he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"

__________________________________

Gallery: