Funny Friday

It's Friday again, Poets Day (Piss off early, tomorrow's Saturday) but also time for some fun.

Last week I changed the format by making the whole post a Corn Corner.

Today there is something similar, a post of one liners.  Some are cynical, some are amusing and some are actually profound and insightful.  You work out which are which.

Enjoy.

_____________________________

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

______________________________

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

______________________________

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

______________________________

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

______________________________

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

______________________________

I've been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now, I think I'll start calling them traditions.

______________________________

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

______________________________

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

______________________________

Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.

______________________________

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

______________________________

I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

______________________________

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

______________________________

Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

______________________________

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

______________________________

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

______________________________

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

______________________________

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

______________________________

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my arse. 

______________________________

Gallery:

A couple of Bizarros, love his work . . .

Corn Corner

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in Heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"