Funny Friday

It's Friday again so time for a spot of humour to lighten and brighten the day.

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I mentioned yesterday that there is a school of opinion that one does not make jokes about rape, homophobia and Hitler. I said that I agreed with the first two being off limits but that I did not agree with Hitler humour being verboten. Laughter and ridicule have always been a great way to treat tyrants. It has also been theorized that laughing at things we fear – death, for instance – is a way of dealing with it. A joke about Hitler does not portray Herr Hitler as a role model, quite the reverse.

Here is one . . . 

A specially chartered Lufthansa flight arrives Buenos Airport. It taxis away from the main terminal and, under cover of darkness, a number of shadowy figures emerge. They immediately pile into a Mercedes and are driven off into the night. They arrive at an impressive mansion outside of town purchased some years earlier by the local BMW agent. The men knock nervously on the door. After a time, steps approach. The door opens and reveals an old man with a familiar lock of hair dangling over the forehead. Except after all these years the lock is thin and grey.

‘Yes?’

‘Mein Fuhrer,’ says the spokesman, ‘we have come to beg you to return to Berlin, to lead your people in the Fourth Reich!’

‘No,’ snarls the old man, ‘been there, done that.’

‘But, Mein Fuhrer, the entire population is ready for you. The neo-Nazi movement has never been stronger.’

‘The German people were not worthy of me,’ snarls the old man.

‘True, Mein Fuhrer. But now a United Germany is ready to follow you anywhere, to fulfill your greatest dream.’

The old man ruminates. He talks about having a peaceful, private life with Eva and the great grandchildren, about how well BMW sales are going. But, finally, he is prevailed upon.

Then he makes one proviso. ‘Okay, but this time, no more Mr Nice Guy.’

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The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "Okay, but what's the catch?"

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A Scotsman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some deodorant. 

"Ball or aerosol?" asked the pharmacist. 

"Neither, it's for my armpits."

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"I lost my job. Well, I didn't lose it, it's still there, it's just that there's some new guy doing it now.

"I lost my girlfriend..."

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It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. 

The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. 

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" 

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." 

"What was that?" the old man asked. 

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." 

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." 

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!" 

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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. 

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. 

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." 

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." 

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot the bear." 

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor. 

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All the Merry Men, and Maid Marion, gathered around Robin Hood’s deathbed, waiting for the inevitable end. Manfully, heroically, Robin struggled up and croaked "Little John, fetch me my long bow. I will fire an arrow out the window and wherever it lands, that’s where you will bury me.”

Deeply moved, they placed the bow and arrow in his trembling fingers, propped him up and faced him towards Sherwood Forest. And with an immense effort, Robin aimed and fired. And so it came to pass that they buried him on top of the wardrobe.

Corn corner

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe.... as it happens, near Transylvania. 

They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her immediate medical assistance. 

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" 

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him for you." Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do." "Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." 

With that, Igor picks Betty up and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more and pass away.... 

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody flows through-out the house. 

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting organ music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up!!! 

Unable to contain himself, he rushes up the stairs to the music conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"