Funny Friday

Something different for today's Funny Friday . . . a collection of one liners, some of them close to being corny, and a longer item for Corn Corner, a reversal of the usual pattern.

Enjoy the items, enjoy Friday and the weekend, and a big congrats to the lovely Lisa whose admission as a lawyer I will be moving today. 👍

_______________________________

My son thinks the other kids will pick on him cause of his name. I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

_______________________________

About 50% of analysis is anal.

_______________________________

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

_______________________________

To save energy I turned off the heating as I left work yesterday. I'm now unemployed and Taronga Park Zoo no longer has a reptile house.

_______________________________

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

_______________________________

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

_______________________________

The wife and I decided to flip a coin to see what our new born son should be called. He's called Tails.

_______________________________

I've got a new aftershave that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it.

_______________________________

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside...

_______________________________

Saw a chameleon today. So I guess it's safe to say it was a pretty shit chameleon.

_______________________________

Did you realise that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in five minutes" are exactly the same?

_______________________________

A G N B: That's bang out of order.

_______________________________

Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda. 

The Exploder.

_______________________________

They say one in every four men is gay, so there must be one in my group of friends. I hope it's Michael - he's super cute.

_______________________________

Why Men Aren't Secretaries

Husband's note to his wife: Doctor's office called: Said "Pabst beer is normal."

Corn Corner:

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to, "Dr's Smith & Jones, Hysterias and Posteriors".

"This was not acceptable, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to, "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.

They tried, "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.

Then, "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Not good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Arseholes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

At their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: " Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."   -  acceptable.