Funny Friday

I was making a Will for a client a few days ago and I congratulated her on her son having been appointed a judge. “Yes,” she replied, “and his brother is a pilot.”

That reminded me of the following Jewish joke:

The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food!"
"Mama, I'm gonna be the President, I can get you kosher food..."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come, alright?"
"Ach, okay, if it makes you happy.”
The day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices and the future Cabinet members. She nudges the man on her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible? His brother's a doctor."

How good will it be if Bernie Sanders is elected, think of all the Jewish jokes that will come to the fore. 

 I love a good Jewish joke, here are some for Funny Friday . . . 

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Mr. Shwartz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. 

He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do? 

"I study the Torah," he replies. 

"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?" 

"No problem," says Sol, "I study the Torah and it says God will provide." 

"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz. 

"No problem," says Sol, "I study the Torah and it says God will provide." 

Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. 

"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."

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Sadie, an old Jewish woman, has worked for fifty years in the garment district in New York.

One evening she’s coming home from work, she’s on the subway, and a tall, rather strange-looking man in a long raincoat comes over and stands in front of her.

Suddenly, he opens his coat and flashes her.

Sadie looks closely, sighs and says, “You call this a lining?”

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An old man is in a hospice, dying, and his 60-year-old wife is by his bedside.

“Rivka,” he says. “Tell me the truth. In our forty years of marriage, were you ever unfaithful?”

Rivka remains silent. 

“Rivka? Did you hear me? I asked if you’ve ever been with another man?”

“Chaim,” she says, “I don’t understand the question.”

“Don’t understand the . . . ? Just tell me. I won’t be mad. I’m dying. I would just like to know. During our marriage, did you ever shtup another man?”

Again, Rivka says nothing.

“Rivkie, Rivkie, what’s the problem?”

His wife looks at him and says, “I’m worried. What if I tell you, and you don’t die?”

______________________________

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An old American Jew felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem. 

The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States." 

The sons were confused and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!' 

"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"

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Two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?" The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

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A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, "What is the part you will play, Saul?" Saul responded, "I shall play the Jewish husband," to which the mother replied, "Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!"

 

Corn Corner:

Yussi is a young Jewish boy, an immigrant from Russia, in grammar school. During the English class the the teacher says, “Class, it’s vocabulary time. Can anyone here use the word `cultivate’ in a sentence?”

Nobody raises a hand.

Again, the teacher says, “Come, somebody must know this word. Cultivate. Use it in a sentence. Anyone?”

After another minute, Yussi raises his hand.

“Great, Yussi. What’s your sentence?”

Yussi says, “Vell, in the vinter, ven it’s snowing and you’re vaiting for the school bus, you should go indoors because it’s too cul-ti-vate.”

“It’s goodnight from me ... and it’s goodnight to him.” 

In memory of Ronnie Corbett, who passed away last night, aged 85. 

Thanks for the laughs and the memories.