Bytes

It's Friday and therefore time for some fun.

Today, some more humor from around the globe.

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Japan:

Nelson Mandela is relaxing at his farm when a Japanese man knocks on his door with a truckload of tyres. Thrusting a clipboard in front of Mandela, he said, "You sign." 

"They are not for me, I have already retired," Mandela said. 

The man went away unhappy. 

Next day, he returned with a truck full of exhaust pipes and again said to Mandela, "You sign." 

"I am getting exhausted with all this nonsense," Mandela said. "Go away. They are for somebody else." 

The man was decidedly peeved, but next day he returned with a truckload of brake pads. 

Nelson Mandela yelled, "Give me a break, you have got me confused with somebody else." 

The Japanese man looked at his invoice and asked, "You are not Nissan Main Dealer?" 

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Mexico:

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Scotland:

A Scotsman walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. 

The Scotsman shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'

(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, speak English, I don't understand you'.

The Scotsman shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.' 

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(A repost):

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already, the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's braw, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll just be in white."

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England:

A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. 

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Germany:

This recent question was presented to a German national: ‘What do you think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference?’ 

He answered: ‘I don’t know and I don’t care!’”

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What is the difference between Christianity and National Socialism? 

In Christianity, one guy died for all the others.

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America:

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Who did Dennis the Menace grow up to be?

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Corn Corner:

What did the Mexican fireman call his sons?

Jose and Jos-b

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What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"? 

Vee haf vays to make you tock.

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What did the Mexican carpet layer call out to his apprentice?

Underlay. Underlay.