Funny Thursday

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I'll be away from my computer for a few days so there won't be any Bytes for that period.

Don't do anything silly, however . . . 

I'll be back in a few days.

In the meantime, enjoy some laughs with an early Funny Friday Thursday.

Sunday is Oscar night so here is some film humour.  Thanks to Graham for his contributions thereto.

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The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.

"First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead."

The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?"

"Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford."

"You got Robert Redford?" the director asks.

"No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role."

"Barbara Streisand?" he asks.

"No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Sandler."

"You got Adam Sandler?" the director asks.

"Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "We got Adam Sandler."

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37 Inevitable Things about Hollywood Movies.

1 The guy wearing the bulletproof vest is always shot and killed.

2 If someone falls in water, they are automatically alive, regardless of the height they fell from.

3 Moreover, if they are incapable of swimming, all they have to do is flap their arms and scream hysterically and they somehow manage to stop sinking.

4 Super high-tech security codes are always broken by a kid. Usually by accident.

5 Heroes have clothing made of a magical material that never gets torn or dirty. 

7 Central characters can have loud conversations in public places and for some reason, no one overhears them.

8 The word “empty” is unheard of. Guns never need reloading, mobile phones never need recharging and lightbulbs last forever.

9 Hitching a ride with a total stranger is always accomplished in under a minute.

10 The main man is always taller than the leading lady, of similar build, nationality and personal interests. Hell, they probably even sneeze the same.

11 TV families look nothing like each other.

12 No one thinks to check for fingerprints, except when the perpetrator is wearing gloves.

13 Everyone leaves his or her car unlocked in case a fugitive on the run needs a getaway vehicle.

14 Bombs are defused with only a few seconds left. Random guessing usually does this.

15 Prison clothing seems strangely fashionable.

16 No one thinks of taking out the security camera in bank robberies.

17 Bad guys are continuously smoking but never suffer from heart disease or lung cancer.

18 Every seven-year-old kid seems to be wearing Nikes.

19 Old ladies have the annoying habit of crossing the road when a car chase is in progress.

20 People can get thrown through glass windows and not feel a thing.

21 A hat, overcoat and sunglasses are Hollywood’s definition of a “disguise.”

22 Security guards are always asleep.

23 Maximum-security prisons are infiltrated at least once.

24 Snipers will always miss their target the first time.

25 Public toilets are large, well-lit and are so clean you could perform surgery in them.

26 Hackers always wear glasses and type like hellbent maniacs.

27 If there is a house fire, the dog always manages to escape.

28 Mothers are under the age of thirty-five.

29 Eighty percent of the time, the bad guy has an English accent or is part of a splinter faction from Saudia Arabia.

30 No one seems to age (e.g. Forrest Gump, who lived through almost every major event in the history of America).

31 Drugs dealers are always sober and self-controlled, despite their trade.

32 Heroes will always kick down doors, even if they are unlocked.

33 Everyone has an unlimited wardrobe and will wear a different item of clothing everyday, no matter how poor they might be.

34 Policemen always shoot first and say “freeze” afterwards.

35 Heroes are incapable of bleeding or feeling pain, especially in hand to hand combat.

36 Stairs are always a faster option as opposed to an elevator.

37 Heroes will radio for backup, but never wait for it.

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Not a film joke but funny . . .

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class looked puzzled. After a little thought she put her hand up and asks the teacher:

“Are you sure about the stork, Miss?  I think you are getting your birds mixed up ‘cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag in Scarborough……..”

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Corn Corner:

And one final one in the same vein but not a film item . . .