More Limericks (and not a single rude one)

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There was a young man who said "Damn! 

It is borne upon me that I am 

An engine that moves 

In predestinate grooves, 

I'm not even a bus, I'm a tram."

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There was a young lady called Wyatt 

Whose voice grew incredibly quiet, 

Until one day 

It just faded away . . .

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ON PROFESSOR COUE 

This very remarkable man 

Commends a most practical plan: 

You can do what you want 

If you don't think you can't,

So don't think you can't, think you can.

(Emile Coue [1857-1926] was a French psychotherapist who claimed that if one imagined one was getting better, one would get better. His method was referred to as conscious autosuggestion.)

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"If you're aristocratic," said Nietzsche, 

"It's thumbs up, you're OK. Pleased to mietzsche. 

If you're working-class bores, 

It's thumbs down and up yours! 

If you don't know your place, then I'll tietzsche."

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There once was an African Mau-Mau 

Who got into a terrible row-row; 

The cause of the friction 

Was his practising diction, 

Saying: "How-how now-now brown-brown cow-cow."

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Said a boy to his teacher one day: 

"Wright has not written 'rite' right, I say. " 

And the teacher replied, 

As the error she eyed: 

"Right! Wright, write 'write' right, right away!"

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(Beauchamp is pronounced both as “bewshum” and, as in the following limerick, “beach ‘em”)

A pretty young teacher named Beauchamp 

Said: "These awful boys, how shall I teauchamp? 

For they will not behave 

Although I look grave, 

And, with tears in my eyes, I beseauchamp."

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(Wemyss is pronounced “Weems”)

There was a young lady named Wemyss 

Who, it seems, was much troubled with dremyss; 

She would wake in the night 

And, in terrible fright, 

Shake the bemyss of the house with her scremyss.

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Miss Wemyss also features in another limerick:

The Honorable Winifred Wemyss 

Saw styli and snakes in her dremyss; 

And these she enjeud, 

Until she heard Freud 

Utter: "Nothing is quite what it semyss!"

(Styli is the plural form of stylus, a writing implement such as a pen, and a shaping tool. Freud believed that the snake was a phallic symbol and that dreaming of snakes [and I suppose pen shaped objects] represented subconscious sexual desire).