Funny Friday

Friday again so time for some Friday cheer.  This week, some humour about nationalities . . . more nationalities next week.

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Scotland:

After a couple announced their engagement, the groom-to-be tells his pal he will, obviously, be wearing a kilt to his wedding. 

“And what’s the tartan?” asks his mate. 

“Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,” he replies.

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Italy:

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.

Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. 

The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.

Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.

And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

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Turkey:

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up:

"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Turkey stood up:

"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

(I was undecided about including the above item because dv is no joke but decided that it was a joke that condemns the dv and the perpetrators).

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Australia:

Col and Frank were drovers who had come to town for a beer. At the bar, Col got into conversation with another man and said “So what do you do for a living?” The man replied “I’m a taxidermist. I stuff animals.”

“Do you stuff sheep?” Col asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you stuff kangaroos?”

“All the time.”

“What about dogs?”

“Yes, often.”

Later, Frank asked Col “What is he then?”

Col replied “He says he’s a taxi bloke but I reckon he’s a drover like us.”

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America:

The federal government is trying to decide whether the FBI, the CIA, or the Los Angeles Police Department is the most effective at apprehending criminals. The issue is to be decided with a test - a rabbit is put in a forest and each organisation has to find it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Corn Corner:

From Graham E:

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

(A repeat of a similar oldie:

At New York's Kennedy airport this week, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

The man is believed to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.)