Funny Friday

Warning: risque and politically incorrect content.

Having had to use taxis a number of times this week, and following discussions with my boys about their use of Uber, that seems like a good theme for today’s Funny Friday: taxis. 

In a news story from yesterday that is worthy of Funny Friday, thousands of taxi drivers and owners protested in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane over Uber’s unrestricted and unlicensed ride sharing service. The protests took place in peak hour and caused major disruptions, especially in Melbourne. Uber drivers in that city took advantage of the situation to offer free rides to new customers.

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A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

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Well, that's the last time I get in a taxi in Lakemba and call ‘shotgun'.

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A Pakistani goes into an Army recruitment office.

"Can I help you?" asks the sergeant, with his eyebrows raised.

"I want to join up, mate. You can't stop me or it's racism!"

"I see.." replies the wily old Sarge, looking at his vacancy sheet. "Well, we do have an opening in the Catering Corps. All the British Army loves a curry, eh?"

"You can't put me there, that's stereotyping!"

"Ok.. what about a Quartermaster's private? We all need goods and supplies while we're fighting the enemy."

"So you're putting me in a shop? More racial stereotyping! I want to do something of equal standing to white blokes."

The sergeant, increasingly pissed off now, flips a page on his sheet. 

"Right. I suppose you want to drive an armoured personnel carrier? Something like that?"

"Yeah! That's sounds good. What is it?"

"Sort of like a taxi."

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I took a taxi to my court appearance the other day.

"What are you here for?" asked the driver.

"My bankruptcy hearing. You might as well come too." 

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A taxi driver in Manchester was sat in his cab, hands down his pants, doing a routine testicular cancer check, when a gorgeous girl with great big boobs climbed in.

"How much to Oldham?" she enquired.

He said; "You can hold 'em for nowt, love, if I can hold yours as well!"

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Arthur, this one is for you . . . 

A Japanese man hailed a cab and told the driver to take him to the airport. During the journey, a Nissan drove past the taxi. The Japanese man said to the driver "Nissan, very fast! Made in Japan!"

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man told the driver "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi overtook the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese said to the driver "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi got to the airport. The fare was over £300.

The Japanese exclaimed, "Why so expensive?"

The driver said "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!" 

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A drunk staggers into the back of a taxi. He leans towards the driver and says, "Excuse me, have you got room for a lobster and 3 bottles of wine on your front seat?"

"I think so." says the driver.

"Good," replies the drunk and threw up.

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A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. 

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc... 

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!'' So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. 

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked? 

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply. 

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?'' 

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.'' 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?'' 

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.'' 

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers. 

Some Friday corn . . 

Just stood next to a famous rapper in the bathroom.

P. Diddy?

Probably, but we were just washing our hands. 

I’d like to dedicate this to my father, who was a roofer. So Dad, if you’re up there... 

I had a dream last night. This voice said, "On your marks, get set, go!" and I woke up with a start.