Funny Friday

I will be away from my computer for a few days so there will be no Bytes for that period. In the meantime, here is a repost of a past Funny Friday, with one exception.  The following was sent to me by Graham . . . 

BORDER PATROL ALERT

The British Border Patrol is asking citizens to be on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy which they believe may be involved in the smuggling of illegal immigrants into this country by way of the Channel Tunnel. If you see the vehicle (pictured below) and have reason to believe that it may be the above vehicle you are urged to contact your local police.

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(Caution: risqué item follows)

By way of introduction to the first Funny Friday item, which is an oldie but a goodie, I will mention that it came up in a discussion with my son about dancing.

Notwithstanding that King David honoured the Lord by dancing (2 Samuel 6: 14-16), dancing has long had a strong sexual content.  George Bernard Shaw recognised this when he described it as “the vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalised by music.” 

Those who have read Edward Albee’s play Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf may recall the scene where Martha is dancing provocatively with Nick, while her husband George and Nick’s mousey wife, Honey, watch:

HONEY:  They're dancing like they've danced before.

GEORGE:  It's a familiar dance ... they both know it ..
MARTHA:  Don't be shy.
NICK:  I'm ...not
GEORGE [to HONEY]:  It's a very old ritual, monkey-nipples. . . old as they come.

As a digression, the roles of Martha and George in the movie version were superbly acted by Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.  The latter should have received an Oscar. 

It’s interesting, is it not, that as attitudes towards sex have become more liberal and morality has relaxed, dancing has become less sexual.  In past times when sex was less open, men and women held each other and moved together.  Today they don’t touch.

In Judaism, especially in Orthodox tradition, men and women are separated in some ceremonies and contexts, for instance in some Orthodox prayer services, weddings and bar mitzvahs. Currently, the majority of Orthodox Jews do not participate in mixed dancing.

Which leads me to the classic funny about it.

(A “mitzvah” is a commandment or a moral deed performed as a religious duty).

Preparing for their religious wedding, a modern Orthodox Jewish couple met with their rabbi for counselling. Before leaving the meeting, the rabbi asked if they had any last minute questions.

"Rabbi," the man asked, "we realise that it is tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women, at the reception, but we would like to ask for your permission to dance together."

"Most definitely not!" replied the rabbi. "It is immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"Then I can't even dance with my wife after the ceremony?" asked the man.

"NO!" answered the rabbi. "It is strictly forbidden."

"Well, what about sex?" the man asked. "Is it permitted for us to finally have sex?"

"Oh, certainly," the rabbi said. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to have children."

"What about different positions?" the man inquired.

"That's no problem," said the rabbi. ""It's a mitzvah."

"Even with the woman on top, or doggy style?" the man asked.

"Sure," answered the rabbi. "Go for it, after all, it's a mitzvah."

"Can we even do it on the bed, with mirrors on the ceiling, a vibrator and a bottle of hot oil?" asked the man.

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah," the rabbi replied.

"What about doing it standing up?" asked the man.

"No! No!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Absolutely not! NEVER standing up!"

"Why not?" the confused man asked.

"That could lead to dancing!" the rabbi replied.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

Corn Corner:

Patient:  “Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.”

Doctor:  “That sounds like ‘Tom Jones syndrome'. “

Patient:  “Is it common?”

Doctor:  “It's not unusual.”