Something to offend everyone

Caution: risque items included.

From Byter Leo, a bit of humour in advance of Funny Friday

--I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

--After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely. 

--Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

--ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

--Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

--A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen? 

--Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

--The wife's back on the warpath again. 

She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. 

--After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. 

So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

--I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30. 

--The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

--My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"

"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

--I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.