Funny Friday

Today's Funny Friday theme: confession, good for the soul and for dispelling any Friday blues . . .

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The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."

The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No kiddin'?!? What happened next?'"

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Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and assuage my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his Christmas turkey.

* * * * * * * * * 

A new convert to Catholicism decided to go to confession to deal with his transgression. In the confessional, he told the priest that he had sinned.

"What was your sin, my son?" asked the priest.

"I stole some lumber, Father," replied the man.

"How much lumber did you steal?" asked the priest.

"Father, I built my German Shepherd dog a nice new doghouse."

The priest replied, "Well, that's not so bad."

The man continued, "Father, I also built myself a 4-car garage."

"Well, now, that's a little more serious."

                                                                                                                    "Father, there's more. In addition to the doghouse, the 4-car garage, I also built a 5 bedroom, 4 bath house!"

With a pause, the priest finally spoke. "That is a little more serious. I'm afraid you'll have to make a novena."

"Father, I'm not sure what a 'novena' is, but if you've got the blueprints, I've got the lumber!"

* * * * * * * * * 

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. 

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. 

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Miller High Life on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. 

He hears a priest come in:"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".

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A drunken man staggers into a Catholic Church, sits down in the confession box and says nothing. After a few minutes the priest coughs to attract the man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in an attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replies, "No use knocking mate, there's no paper in this one either".

* * * * * * * * * 

A man attends confession and tells the priest that he used profane language while playing golf.

The priest asks him to explain the situation so he can decide on his punishment.

The man says “I sliced my drive badly into the trees”.

The priest says “And that’s when you swore.”

The man: “No, a rabbit picked up my ball and bounded away with it.”

Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”

Man: “No. An eagle swooped down, caught the rabbit and started flying away.”

Priest: “And that’s when you swore?”

Man: “No, Father, because the rabbit dropped the ball, it landed on the green and finished six inches from the hole."

Priest: “DON'T TELL ME YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUTT?!!!"

* * * * * * * * * 

Cold Hard Fact

- Charlee Marshall

“Move closer to the wall, my son, and speak into the grille

Confession is the saviour of the soul

If there’s something on your conscience, if you’re feeling weak or ill

Confess... and ye shall once again be whole!

Ask the lord for his salvation, he is waiting for your call”

“I’m afraid I’ve sinned too greatly” said the voice behind the wall.

“Let’s see if I have got it straight - your wife... her name is Liza

She’s inclined to wear her dresses rather short

She was bending over looking for an ice cream in the freezer

When you, behind her, had this lustful thought

She had to lean way over, for she isn’t very tall...”

“And I wanted chocolate brickle” said the voice behind the wall.

“Now, I know you’re newly-married (since you made your vows before us)

But married people often act up thus

It sometimes spoils the pleasure if the sex is too decorous

So I see no reason why to make a fuss

Perhaps your wife objected... did she try to start a brawl?”

“No... I think she rather liked it” said the voice behind the wall.

“Then go, my son, I find no blame... your actions may be kinky

Tell Liza to be careful with her dress

Next time she looks for ice cream to wear something long and slinky

Then her husband will have nothing to confess

We will not throw you out of church... I find no sin at all...”

“Well they threw us out of Woolworths!” said the voice behind the wall.

Corn Corner:

My favourite band of the 1980s made classic records such as "Jeeno", "Come on I lean" and "Jockey Willsen Sez".

That's right. Dyslexy's Midnight Runners.